X Mulan
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Parody of Mulan, starring characters from X-Men: Evolution! Complete insanity! Rated just in case! Flames welcome! Better summary inside! COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

Fa Mulan – Rogue

Li Shang – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Ling – Ray Crisp / Beserker

Yao – Bobby Drake / Iceman

Chien-Po – Roberto / Sunspot

Emperor – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Chi-Fu – Scott Summers / Cyclops

Mushu – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Fa Zhou – Logan / Wolverine

Mother Fa – Orora Monroe / Storm

Grandmother Fa – Kitty Pride / Shadowcat

Shan-Yu – Lance Alvers / Avalanche

Matchmaker – Jean Grey

General Li – Forge

Head Ancestor – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler

**..:: Summary ::..**

Okay, so I lied. This summary isn't any better! So, I'm taking a few characters from X-Men, and starring them in Mulan! Pretty simple, really.

**..:: Disclaimer ::..**

Do I really have to do these? Fine. I DON'T OWN X-MEN OR MULAN AND I NEVER WILL! END OF STORY! DUH!

**..:: My OCs ::..**

That's right, I have OCs! They are…**Jimmy** the Cricket as _Cri-Kee_, **Charlie** the Horse as _Khan_, and **Bogie** the Dog as _Little Brother_. Oh yeah, and my Bunny Twins, Priscilla and Trisha Lee, are co-directors…things…whatevers…for the parody…thing. Why? To have a smartass to argue with, and a ditz to make things interesting!

**..:: Accents ::..**

I'm just guessing with these things, man! I can't write accents to save Junior's life! Do fix me when I mess up, WHICH I WILL!

**..:: Stuff ::..**

**_fire fire fire_ **– singing

fire fire **fire** – stressing

fire fire fire – regular narrating

fire fire fire – Author arguing with characters

**..:: Let the Insanity Begin! ::..**

15 not-so-randomly-picked mutants wandered around outside a weird empty studio…thing.

"You know, you don't have very good vocabulary!" Bobby yelled up at The Authoress' voice in the sky.

I don't really care, Bobby! Moving on…so there they were, being bored out of their little minds, and wondering why the hell they actually obeyed the little pieces of paper that they had all gotten telling them to come here…

"Why the hell did we actually obey the little pieces of paper that we had all gotten telling us to come here?" Ray wondered out loud.

Would you PLEASE stop repeating what I just said?

"Sorry," Ray said meekly.

Besides, you're not even supposed to be paying attention to me! Anyway, so the door to the "empty" studio…thing flew open and Trisha Lee came flying out. No not literally! She's not a mutant, doi!

"Oh my Bob,HI everyone!" Trisha Lee screamed with a Valley Girl accent. "I'm Trisha Lee, duh, and this is my twin sister, Priscilla!"

So Priscilla came walking out. "Hi," she said, all business-like…what a suit.

"I heard that!" Priscilla yelled.

Well, duh! Anyway, so Trisha Lee finished her little hyper bout, and Priscilla got down to business.

"So, getting down to business," Priscilla said. "You are all here because Psycho Bunny the Bad Narrator/Authoress decided to put you all in a fic called X-Mulan, which is a parody of the movie Mulan. Anyone got any problems with that?" No one said anything, which was very wise of them. "Okay," Priscilla said. "So the role of Mulan will be played by…Jean!"

Jean jumped up and down like an idiot. "Ha!" she yelled. "In your face, Rogue!"

"Actually, I just noticed that you were here," Priscilla said. "You don't get the part of Mulan!"

"Why?" Jean snapped all snottily.

"Because Psycho Bunny doesn't like you," Priscilla said. "And neither do I. Anyway, the role of Mulan will be played by Rogue."

So Priscilla went on naming everyone else who had a part as who, which has been posted for your convenience at the beginning of this chapter, and only this chapter, unless some of you get confused and mention it in your review, and then I will repost it every chapter henceforth…wow, that's a dorky word.

"Okay, so Shang will be Remy, because, duh, it's GOTTA be ROMY; and Ray will be Ling, cuz, yeah, he's skinny; and Bobby will be Yao, cuz him and Ray are friends, I guess; and Roberto will be Chien-Po-"

"Are you calling me fat?!" Roberto said indignantly.

"NO, because you've got that whole superstrength thingie in the sun or whatever," Priscilla said. "Anyway, so Evan will be the Emperor, cuz, I dunno; Scott will be Chi-Fu cuz I don't like you; Logan will be Fa Zhou cuz it just fits like that; Orora is Mother Fa because it's gotta be OROGAN; Kitty is Grandmother Fa-"

"Is it just me, or is there something backwards about that?" Orora said.

"What are you, like, talking about?" Kitty said. "Grandmother Fa is like, cool!"

"Duh," Priscilla said. "That's why you get the part. Except you're one of those young and pretty grandmas, not old and wrinkly cuz…yeah. Moving on, Lance will be Shan-Yu cuz of the whole Avalanche thing; Forge will be General Li cuz…well…let's face it, you're kinda old, even though you don't look it; and Kurt will be the Head Ancestor Dude, cuz he's also cool like that. Oh yeah, and John will be Mushu."

"WHAT?!" John said. "Oy gotta be a lizard?"

"DRAGON," Priscilla corrected. "Except, instead, you'll be, an Aussie or whatever. Plus, you get to play with fire."

"Really?" Pyro said. Priscilla nodded and handed him a lighter in the shape of a itty-bitty Mushu. "Hell yes, sheila!"

"But I do have to shrink you to a foot tall," Priscilla said.

"…You can do that?" John asked.

"Well, Psycho Bunny has almighty Authoress Divine Intervention powers, so she'll be shrinking you down in T minus 3…2…"

"Wait a sec!" John yelled.

"…1." And John was shrunk down to a foot tall. "Hey, don't look so sad, you still get to keep the lighter." And then John was happy and ran off with the lighter, cackling madly and looking a bit like a leprechaun…except he was all in red and had a lighter and didn't have a beard and still had the goggle things on him and he didn't have pointy ears and he's an Aussie, not Irish, so…never mind.

So then Priscilla sent off 14 mutants with Trisha Lee to the costume and make-up…place...to go get…costume and make-up!

"Hey, what about me?" Jean said.

"Uh, lemme see," Priscilla said, scanning her all-important clipboard. "Jean Grey…oh! Yes, you play a **very** important role."

"Really?" Jean said, sounding excited.

"Yeah!" Priscilla said, sounding just as excited. "You get to be…the Matchmaker! And you get to draw a mustache on yourself! Won't that be FUN?" And she sent a very unhappy Jean off to costumes and make-up and hair and stuff. And then a minute later she called back everyone except for Logan, Orora, Kitty, Rogue, and Jean because those were the only people in the scenes they were doing so far. "In the meantime, you people get to meet the three OCs!"

"OCs?" the mutants groaned.

Oh, you're a bunch of whiners, they're not that bad. "What she said," Priscilla said. "Anyway, here's Charlie the Horse as Khan, Jimmy the Cricket as Cri-Kee, and Bogie the Dog as Little Brother!" Everyone clapped politely, except for John, who screamed in terror when Bogie picked him up in his mouth. "I **told** Trisha Lee not to use Bogie! TRISHA LEE!" she yelled.

Trisha Lee came running out of the make-up trailer, dragging Jean after her, who only had half her make-up on. At the sight of Jean, Jimmy the Cricket actually started crying; she looked that hideous.

"Bogie! Put Pyro down!" Trisha Lee yelled. And of course Bogie did because he only listens to Trisha Lee. John ran off to his trailer to go wash off all the dog spit – which is actually cleaner than human spit.

"Hey, we all get trailers?" Roberto said.

Yeah, I'm in a generous mood. Don't make me change my mind. So after the OCs were introduced, Priscilla sent Jean back with Trisha Lee to finish getting her make-up on, and decided to finally get this thing started.

"Okay, let's finally get this thing started," Priscilla decided. "Now, since none of you people except Lance would've been in that prologue thing, let's just go to Rogue's Last Minute Review…stuff."

"Do Ah have tah eat rice?" Rogue said.

"Well, duh," Priscilla said.

"Ah don't know how tah use chopsticks."

"Not a problem," Priscilla said. "Trisha Lee!"

Trisha Lee came running out. "What?" she yelled.

"Teach Rogue how to use chopsticks!" Priscilla yelled for no reason.

"Okay!" Trisha Lee yelled back, also for no reason at all.

So Trisha Lee and Rogue sat down with 2 pairs of chopsticks and a bowl of rice for an hour. Does it really take one hour how to learn how to use chopsticks? I don't know.

…**One Hour Later…**

"Okay, so you're now a master of the Noble and Exquisite Art of the Chopstick," Trisha Lee said solemnly. Then she grinned. "Now we can have Chopstick Wars!" And she grabbed her pair and twirled them like Alexa Vega did with the spoons in the dinner party scene of Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams. Out of nowhere, Darth Vader music started playing.

"No," Priscilla said, and the Vader music mysteriously shut off with a ripping noise. "Now we're actually starting the scene. So we need Rogue, Logan, Orora, Kitty, Jimmy the Cricket, Charlie the Horse, and Bogie the Dog. Oh, and a few nameless, unaccredited extras to be People in the Town."

And so, about 3 pages after this chapter began, the movie actually begins.

* * *

Rogue sat in her room next to the window, eating rice and making notes on her arm…the little cheater.

Rogue rolled her eyes and ignored the Authoress. "Quiet and demure," she said, writing on her arm. "Graceful, polite…" She ate some rice expertly, thanks to Trisha Lee's training (even though it's a semi-useless talent, due to the fact that in America, most people use forks; but this is Middle Age China, or whatever, so, yeah). "Delicate, refined, poised," she wrote some more Chinese characters on her arm. "Punctual!"

Then a random rooster crowed. "Ah, shit!" Rogue yelled, jumping out of bed and running out of her room. Oh yeah, Rogue, that's punctual all right.

"Bogie!" Rogue yelled, blowing on her arm to dry it. "Bogie! Bog – there you are! Lazy mutt," she muttered. "Come on, help me with mah chores!" She tied a bag full chicken feed with a hole in it onto Bogie's collar, and then a stick with a bone dangling from it. So, of course, like the idiotical dog Bogie was –

"Idiotical isn't a real word!" Jean said from offstage.

Who gives a damn? So Bogie ran around, feeding the chickens, running past the horse, fruitlessly trying to get that stupid bone…

Meanwhile, Logan was in their ancestor's temple, praying to the ancestors. "Please help Rogue impress the ugly hag – I mean Jean – today," he prayed.

"I heard that!" Jean yelled.

"That was kinda the point," Logan muttered. Then Bogie came running in and out, and all the chickens came flying in, eating chicken feed all around Logan. "Please, please help her," Logan said. Then he got up, and -SNIKT!-

"Hey hey hey no carving up the chickens!" Trisha Lee yelled. "No hurting animals! Even Kurt!"

"Hey!" Kurt yelled. "That's an insult!"

"…What's your point?" Priscilla said, defending her sister out of sheer spite and boredness.

"Fine," Logan said, and retracted his claws. Then he went out, ignoring the stupid chickens, and nearly ran into Rogue. And the all-important teacup smashed.

"Rogue," Logan said.

"Ah brought a spare," Rogue said, reaching into her pocket, only to find…nothing. "Hey!" she said. "Where's tha stupid teacup?!"

Bobby, give Rogue the teacup.

"Aw, but-"

**Now.**

"Fine," Bobby muttered, and handed over the other all-important teacup.

"The doctor said 3 cups in the morning, and three at night, blah blah blah," Rogue said, pouring tea.

Logan took a sip and spit it right back out. "This tastes like Half-Pint made it!"

"So?" Kitty said offstage. "Is there something wrong with it?"

"Uh…no…it's…good," Logan said, bravely drinking the rest of it down. He pulled a face looking like he had eaten a lemon whole. "Get to town, bub," he managed, then ran for his trailer.

"Uh…okay, then," Rogue said. She ran and jumped onto Charlie, then rode off to town.

…**Meanwhile, In Town…**

Orora was worrying like a mother hen, biting her nails. "Where is she?" she said. "I should've prayed to the Goddess – I mean, the ancestors – for luck."

"Them?" Kitty said, looking very, very, **very** young for a grandmother. "How lucky can they be? They're like, dead. I've got all the luck we need right here," she said, holding up Jimmy in a cute little cage. "All right," she said to Jimmy. "Now let's like, test you." And she held her hand over her eyes and stepped out into the busy street full of rickshaws and stuff…you know what they are. Well, it didn't really matter if Jimmy was lucky or not, because apparently, Kitty had forgotten that she could phase through anything in her way – which she did automatically. So she made it safely across the street, to no one's surprise at all. "This cricket's like, a lucky one!" she yelled back to Orora, who rolled her eyes.

Just then Rogue rode up with straw in her hair – which didn't really make any sense, seeing as she didn't ride through any straw to get there, jumped off the horse, tripped, and fell over. "Ah'm here!" she said, jumping back up.

"You're late," Orora said.

"But-" Rogue began.

"No time to talk," Orora said. "Let's just get this stupid song over with."

Hey, hey, don't insult the songwriters, now! So, anyway, they went into That One Building Thing, the music started, and That One Lady #1 started singing.

_**This is what you give me to work with?**_

_**Well, honey, I've seen worse.**_

_**We're going to turn this sow's ear**_

That One Lady #1 pulled off Rogue's clothes behind a screen – no looking, Remy, you pervert! – and then shoved Rogue into a tub full of water.

_**Into a silk purse.**_

"It's freezing!" Rogue said.

"It would've been warm if you were here on time," Orora said.

"Actually, it was freezing to begin with," Priscilla said. That One Lady #1 ignored everyone and kept on singing.

_**We'll have you washed and dried**_

_**Primped and polished till you glow with pride**_

_**Trust my recipe for instant bride**_

_**You'll bring honor to us all.**_

Orora grabbed Rogue's arm to scrub it – like Rogue can't do it herself – and then saw the writing. "Rogue, what's this?"

"Notes, 'cause Ah'm gonna forget!" Rogue said.

Kitty shoved Jimmy at Orora. "Like, hold this," she said. "We're like, gonna need more luck than I thought."

That One Lady #1 started singing again as they fixed Rogue's hair, and That One Lady #2 joined in.

_**Wait and see, when we're through**_

_**Boys will gladly go to war for you**_

_**With good fortune and a great hairdo**_

_**You'll bring honor to us all.**_

Rogue followed Orora out of That One Building Thing and into That Other Building Thing. For absolutely no reason, everyone in town started singing.

_**A girl can bring her family**_

_**Great honor in one way:**_

_**By striking a good match**_

Rogue stopped when she saw two old guys playing chess, then moved a piece so that the other old guy won…maybe. Whatever happened, the old guy was really happy.

_**And this could be the day.**_

Orora pulled Rogue into That Other Building Thing, where That One Lady #3 and That One Lady #4 started stuffing her into a dress and singing.

_**Men want girls with good taste**_

_**Calm, obedient, who work fast-paced.**_

_**With good breeding and a tiny waist**_

That One Lady #3 and Orora both tied a long red sash around Rogue's waist tight so that she nearly fainted and almost fell off the stool, but whatever.

_**You'll bring honor to us all.**_

And they went out of That Other Building Thing and started walking to That Last Building Thing. And, of course, all those townspeople had to start singing again.

_**We all must serve our Emperor**_

_**Who guards us from the Huns**_

_**A man by bearing arms**_

Two boys playing with wooden swords ran and stole a little doll from a little girl…mean little snots…well, anyway, Rogue, being the nice person that she is, took the doll from the boy and gave it back to the girl, even though this little bit is completely irrelevant to the plot, but is just something to do while the townspeople sing.

_**A girl by bearing sons.**_

In That Last Building Thing, That One Lady #5 and Orora sang while putting makeup on Rogue.

_**When we're through, you can't fail**_

_**Like a lotus blossom, soft and pale**_

_**How could any fellow say "No sale"**_

_**You'll bring honor to us all.**_

"There," Orora said. "You're ready."

"Like, not yet," Kitty said. "An apple for like, serenity." She shoved it into Rogue's mouth. "A pendant for like, balance." She stuffed it into Rogue's dress. Then she started singing.

_**Beads of jade for like, beauty**_

She tossed the necklace over Rogue's head and fastened it.

_**You must proudly show it**_

_**Now add a cricket, like, just for luck**_

And she tied Jimmy's cage to the back of Rogue's sash – like they thought no one could see it.

_**And even you can't like, blow it.**_

Rogue started singing on her own as she walked out of That Last Building Thing and toward The Ugly Hag's – I mean, Jean's – house…thing…whatever.

_**Ancestors, hear mah plea**_

_**Help me not tah make a fool of me**_

_**And to not uproot mah family tree**_

_**Keep mah father standing tall.**_

"I can stand just fine, thank you very much," Logan growled offstage.

"It's an expression…thing…concerning your honor and dignity," Priscilla said.

Orora ran after Rogue to give her the semi-important parasol, and then Rogue had to start running to catch up with the rest of the girls. And, of course, the townspeople stated singing…again.

_**Scarier than The Undertaker**_

_**We are meeting our Matchmaker**_

_**Destiny, guard our girls**_

_**And our future as it fast unfurls**_

_**Please look kindly on these cultured pearls**_

_**Each a perfect porcelain doll.**_

The Bride Candidates sang on without Rogue, who wasn't really paying that much attention, anyway.

_**Please bring honor to us**_

_**Please bring honor to us**_

_**Please bring honor to us**_

_**Please bring honor to us**_

They stopped that bit right before Rogue could sing her part, which was pretty rude, but whatever.

_**Please bring honor to us all!**_

And with a bit musical flourish and opening their parasols and hiding behind them, they all lined up in front of The Ugly Hag's…er, Jean's…house. And the song finally ended 3 pages after it started. What's with this 3 pages thing?

* * *

Okay, that's it for now! This is actually a lot longer than I usually write, too. 8 pages! Wow! That's long for me! Well, whaddya think so far? Good? Bad? Well, please review! 


	2. A Cranky Jean, a Constipated Scott, and ...

**..:: Moustaches, Armor, and Dead People, Oh My! ::..**

Whee, I'm so happy! I got 5 reviews for one chappie! And no flames! I almost died of shock. Thank you SO MUCH to **Sangofanatic**, **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, **heartsyhawk**,** Readerrr Grrrl**,and **psychobunny410** for reviewing! Oh, and thanks, **Readerrr Grrrl**, about the spelling. Sorry, my mind spaced on that.

Okee, before I forget, I realized that I forgot to make a Hun…gang…thing…for Lance (poor dude). So here they are now:

Shan-Yu – Lance Alvers / Avalanche (but you already knew that)

Archer Hun Dude (the one _Mulan_ **(Rogue)** takes out) – Pietro / Quicksilver

Skinny Hun Dude (the one _Ling_ **(Ray)** takes out) – Todd Tolanski / Toad

Shirtless Hun Dude (the one _Chien-Po_ **(Roberto)** takes out) – Fred / Blob

That Other Hun Dude (the one _Yao_ **(Bobby)** takes out) – Jason / Mastermind

Them, plus lots of That One Hun Dude extras, make up the Brotherhood...plus Mastermind...Hun Army. Everyone except Pietro and Lance will be referred to by their mutant codename…things. Why? Just cuz. Oh yeah, and they'll all be wearing their regular street clothes, cuz…yeah. Okay, I know, there should be 2 Shirtless Hun Dudes, but come on, it's really not necessary (Blob could carry Evan on his own, no problem); plus, I really don't want to make Piotr a bad guy if I don't have to. Hm…I might make a Kiotr parody sometime, what do you think of that? Or, who should I put Piotr with in a future parody? Oh yeah. That Falcon that Shan-Yu has in the movie…yes, another animal OC. (gimme a break! The X-Men don't have any pets!) So **Ross** the Falcon will be…the Falcon. (Shush…I might have named him Marcel instead)

Moving on…in the movie, I have no clue why Yao was using an orange and a _banana_ as fake boobs. So Bobby will be using 2 oranges. And Roberto definitely doesn't have the capacity to fit _one_ watermelon, let alone _two_, so he'll use…um…nectarines. But Ray will use apples, just like Ling did. Okay, on with the insanity.

* * *

So Rogue and the four other Bride Candidates were kneeling outside the Ugly Hag's…I mean Jean's…house, waiting for the doors to slam open.

I said, **waiting for the doors to slam open!**

"Huh?" Jean said, where she was inside her trailer, eating tea sandwiches and reading _Vogue_ magazine. (I've never read that magazine before, though) "Oh," she said all snobbily and walked inside the house…thing…slamming the door behind her. Then, a full two minutes later, she slammed the doors open. "Rogue," she said in her snottiest voice ever.

"Ah'm right here, ya dumbass!" Rogue snapped, getting up and closing her parasol.

"Speaking out of turn," Jean said all supremely.

"Whatever," Rogue said. She followed Jean inside the house.

"Like, who spit in her bean curd?" Kitty asked Ororo.

"I heard that!" Jean yelled.

"No duh, it's, like, in the script!" Kitty yelled back. "And, like, what _is_ bean curd?" she added to Ororo, who shrugged.

…**Inside the Ugly Hag's – er, Jean's – House…**

"Hm," Jean said, walking around Rogue like a cop or something. "Too skinny. Bad for bearing Scott clones."

"Who says Ah wanna bear – did you just say Scott clones??" Rogue demanded, looking at Jean like she was crazy…or demented…

"Those actually mean the same thing, you know," Bobby said.

Don't care!

"Recite the final admonition," Jean said.

Rogue pulled out a fan and used it to hide her loving at the writing that had mysteriously not washed off – that's some cheap soap you used, Ororo!

"Fulfill your duties calmly and…" Rogue glanced at her arm. "…Respectfully. Reflect before you snack. Act! This-shall-bring-you-honor-and-glory," she finished at Pietro speed.

Jean rolled her eyes. "This way," she said, conveniently grabbing the forearm that Rogue had written on. The ink mysteriously started smudging onto her hand.

"Now," Jean said. "Pour the tea."

"Lahke you can't pour it yahself," Rogue muttered, but grabbed the teapot.

"To please your future in-law, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity and refinement." For some odd reason, she traced her face – or whatever – from her upper lip, around her mouth, and to her chin, making a hideous moustache. "You must also be poised."

Rogue finished pouring the tea, only to see that Jimmy was using it as a Jacuzzi…ew. Jean grabbed the cup without noticing. "Um, excuse me," Rogue said, not out of concern for Jean, but because she felt that no creature deserved to be put in a place as horrible as Jean's mouth.

"And silent!" Jean yelled.

"Ah don't see you being sahlent," Rogue muttered, but climbed onto the table to take the tea back. Jean, being an idiot, pulled away, falling over so that the tea spilled all over her dress…haha.

"Why you clumsy…" Jean said, then noticed Jimmy jumping around in her bodice, trying to find a way out. Talk about slow reflexes. She got up…and then fell over onto the conveniently spilled hot coals. "AAAAHHH!" Jean screamed as the seat of her skirt caught fire.

Rogue opened her fan and tried to fan the flames away, but instead it caught fire even worse (duh! Input of oxygen!) So anyway, Jean ran around shrieking about her flaming ass, crashing into everything, blah, blah, blah…

…**Back Outside…**

"I think it's, like, going well, don't you?" Kitty said with complete sincerity to Ororo.

At that moment, conveniently sparing Ororo from answering, Jean ran outside with her dress still on fire. "Put it out!" she yelled. "PUT IT OUT!"

Rogue ran outside with the all-important teapot and threw the contents over the fire coming from Jean's dress, putting out the fire, but also making all her makeup run down. Jimmy locked himself in Rogue's cage and started crying again. Rogue ran over to were Ororo and Kitty were.

"You are a disgrace!" Jean yelled, throwing the all-important teapot down so it smashed…poor teapot…moving on, Jean kept yelling. "You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!" she shouted. Then she turned and ran back into her house, slamming the door behind her.

"Well, I think it, like, went well," Kitty said.

Then Rogue, Kitty, and Ororo went home, where Ororo had to break the news to Logan, and Kitty…did something. So Rogue put Charlie back in his stable…thing…and went to the ancestors temple, singing the whole time.

_**Look at me**_

_**I will never pass for a perfect bride**_

_**Or a perfect daughter**_

_**Can it be**_

_**I'm not meant to play this part?**_

_**Now I see**_

_**That if I were truly to be myself**_

_**I would break my family's heart**_

_**Who is that girl I see**_

_**Staring straight back at me**_

_**Why is my reflection **_

_**Someone I don't know?**_

_**Somehow I cannot hide**_

_**Who I am**_

_**Though I've tried**_

_**When will my reflection show**_

_**Who I am inside?**_

_**When will my reflection show**_

_**Who I am inside?**_

After leaving the ancestors temple, Rogue sat down on a stone bench in the garden underneath a very prettiful tree –

"Prettiful isn't a real word," Jean snapped, having finished washing off all her ruined makeup and changed out of the ugly dress into her typical half shirt – which shouldn't even be allowed in school – and khaki pants.

It is in my vocabulary. It's a combination of both pretty and beautiful, and better than both. So anyway, she sat under a very prettiful tree covered in prettiful pink blossoms, looking all sad because Jean had deemed her dishonorable. Then Logan came over with his cane – making a pitiful attempt at limping – and tried to have a father-daughter heartfelt talk with her. Yeah right.

Ahem. Heartfelt father-daughter talk!

Logan rolled his eyes. "Uh, what beautiful blossoms we have this year," he said in a monotone voice. "But look. This one's late. But I bet when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all."

"That was pathetic acting," Rogue said. Then some random dude started pounding drums, like they didn't have phones or a loudspeaker or something. Logan, glad to get out of the prettiful garden, practically ran outside.

"Wait!" Priscilla said. "You have to use your cane thingie!"

Logan growled, but went back and got the dreaded Cane Thingie. Ororo followed him outside. "Stay inside, Rogue!" she said…as if she thought Rogue would listen to her. Kitty coughed and jerked her thumb at the roof.

Scott came riding in, all up on a high-horse…literally…looking like he had a pole up his ass.

"Hey!" Scott yelled. "I do not have a pole up my ass!"

Not according to **Things** **To Do Before I Die** by **Le Ragin Cajun**. By the way, people, that fic is hilarious, go read it if you haven't already, and there's also nice hilarious rather one-sided ROMY one-shots, too.

Scott rolled his eyes…not like anyone could tell because of the whole shades thing and finally said his very boring lines. "Citizens! I bring a proclamation from The Spyke! (**A/N:** He's the Emperor, if you guys forgot…hehe…The Spyke…) The Brotherhood-"

"Ahem!" Mastermind coughed offstage.

"…plus Mastermind," Scott added, "Huns have invaded China!"

There were many predictable gasps from the crowd. Scott continued, sounding bored. "By order of The Spyke, one man from every family must enlist in the imperial army…blah, blah, blah…" He went through a long boring list that really isn't worth mentioning. "The…um…whatever Logan's last name is family!"

Logan gave his cane to Ororo and walked up to Scott with a limp…well, he **tried** to limp is the point. "I am ready to serve The Spyke," he said. "Never thought I'd say that," he muttered.

Scott started to hand the scroll to Logan, but Rogue jumped down from the roof, ran past Ororo and Kitty, and intercepted the scroll. Damn, Scott hands people things slow.

"Baba, you can't go!" Rogue said.

"Please don't call me that," Logan said through clenched teeth.

"Well, that **is** what Mulan calls her dad," Priscilla pointed out.

"Can we **please** get back to the movie?" Scott said.

"What's your problem?" Priscilla asked.

"You try sitting on a horse when you have a pole up your ass!" Scott snapped. "Wait a minute…did I just say that?"

Kitty collapsed in a giggle fit, and everyone patiently (well, constipatedly in Scott's case I guess) waited 5 whole minutes before she calmed down. Scott shoved the scroll thingie at Logan. "Report tomorrow at Wu Zhong camp," he said, then rode away, falling off the horse after 5 gallops.

…**Later, Drinking Tea (well, Beer in Logan's case)…**

Rogue, Kitty, Logan, and Ororo sat around drinking tea (well, beer in Logan's case), trying to avoid the fact that Logan was super old and shouldn't go to war anymore…

"Hey!" Logan said.

Well, the dude you're playing **is** old, after all. Deal with it! So, anyway, Rogue slammed down her teacup, mysteriously not breaking it…or even cracking it. "You shouldn't have to go!" she said.

"Rogue!" Ororo said, not like it made any difference.

"There are plenty of young men out there to fight for China!" Rogue continued.

"It is an honor to serve The Spyke and protect my family," Logan said. "That just sounds weird."

"So, you'll die fah honor," Rogue said.

"Hey, I can take that skinny boy any time!" Logan snapped. Priscilla coughed. "I mean…I will die doing what's right."

"But-" Rogue began.

"I know my place!" Logan snapped. "It is time you learned yours."

Rogue ran outside crying, being totally uncharacteristic of herself, and it mysteriously started raining. Gee, I wonder who caused that…

Anyway, later, Rogue sat on this dragon…statue…thing…in the rain, watching the silhouette of Logan trying to talk to the silhouette of Ororo, who ran away crying. Then the silhouette of Logan blew out a candle, turning off all the lights in the house.

"Well, that was stupid," Rogue said. The rain started pouring even harder. "Ah'm going, Ah'm going!" she snapped, and stalked off to the ancestors temple while techno-ish music started playing. Rogue lit an incense stick and put it in a statue…thing…that looked suspiciously like Pyro sitting meditation-pose (you know, cross-legged with both of his feet up and his hands over his knees with the middle finger and thumb connected), bowed to Kurt's tombstone (the Great Ancestor), then stopped. "Yah know," she said. "This music is really too techno for Middle Age Chahna."

Tell that to the songwriters, or whatever! So then Rogue turned and ran into Logan and Ororo's bedroom, where she stole the scroll and replaced it with her jade flower hair comb thingie without even waking Logan up…that's just weird. And then she took Logan's sword and…wait a minute. "Ah don't need to cut mah hair," Rogue pointed out.

Good point. So Rogue went into Logan's room where his armor was…why the heck does he need a whole room for one lousy wardrobe thingie…so she put on Logan's armor, which MYSTERIOUSLY FIT BOTH HER AND LOGAN, go figure. Then she went into Charlie's stable, opening the doors just as lightning flashed and completely freaked Charlie out, because what horse wouldn't get spooked by lightning? And she rode out into the still-pouring rain.

Back in the ancestors temple, the dragon's eyes on Kurt's tombstone – man, that wounds weird! – flashed, mysteriously letting Kitty know exactly what had just happened.

Kitty sat bolt upright in bed. "See?" she said. "Old people are totally cool. They, like, get visions!"

I've geen saying that for a while. Now, go run along to your son and daughter's room – man, that sounds weird, too!

Kitty jumped out of bed – well, it was more like **phased **out of bed – and phased through the wall to Logan and Ororo's room. "Rogue's, like, gone!" she said.

"What?" Logan said, then saw the jade flower hair comb thingie. "Aw, crap."

"How'd you, like, sleep through that?" Kitty asked. "You're, like, losing your touch." But Logan was already running out into the rain – hey come back here and get your cane!

So Logan came back in, grabbed the dreaded cane, and hobbled back out into the rain – well, he **tried** to hobble. Unsurprisingly, he fell over, dropping the jade flower hair comb thingie into a puddle of water and getting it all dirty.

Ororo ran up to him. "You have to go after her," she said. "She could be killed!"

"If I reveal her," Logan said. "She will be."

Kitty stayed in the yard, praying to the ancestors. "Ancestors," she prayed, "Like, hear our prayer. Watch over Rogue."

And the chappie ended in complete sadness.

* * *

NOT!

* * *

So then, in the ancestors temple, Kurt awoke, or whatever. "Pyro," he said. "Avaken!"

The meditating-Pyro stature – like he'd ever meditate – came to life and fell to the floor, the gong making pitiful banging noises like it was a pot or something.

"Oy live!" Pyro said. "What mortal needs moy protection, Kurt, just say the word and Oy'm there!"

"Pyro-" Kurt began.

"Let me say something," Pyro interrupted. "Anybody who's foolish enough to mess with our family, vengeance will be moyne!"

"Pyro!" Kurt yelled. He pointed at the animal…statue…things. "They are the family guardians. They…"

"Protect the Pryde family," Pyro finished glumly.

"Hey!" Logan said offstage. "How come you're using Kitty's last name?"

"Because Psycho Bunny doesn't know yours, and Kitty's the oldest, story-wise," Priscilla said boredly. "By the way, people, if you do know his last name, please include it in your review so Psycho Bunny can fix it for future chapters."

"And you, O demoted one?" Kurt continued.

"Oy ring the gong," Pyro said even glumlier.

"Glumlier isn't a word!" Jean yelled offstage.

Don't care!

"That's right," Kurt said. "Now, avaken the ancestors."

Pyro ran around, banging on the gong, yelling at all the dead people to wake up. Of course, as soon as they did, they started arguing.

"I knew it! I knew it! That Rogue was a troublemaker from the start," Great-Grandmother Pryde said.

"Don't look at me!" Great-Grandfather Pryde said. "She gets it from your side of the family."

"She's just trying to help her father," The Not-So-Cranky Ancestor said.

"If she's discovered, Logan'll be forever shamed!" The Accountant Ancestor said, playing with his abacus. "Dishonor will come to the Pryde family. Traditional values will disintegrate!"

"Not to mention, they'll lose the farm," The Farmer Ancestor said.

"My children never caused such trouble," Great-Grandmother Pryde said. "They all became acupuncturists."

"Ew!" Kitty said offstage. "I'm, like, an acupuncturist? That's, like, totally icksome!"

"We can't all be acupuncturists," Great-Grandfather Pryde said.

"No," The Really Cranky Ancestor shrieked. "Your great-granddaughter had to be a cross-dresser!"

Then everyone started arguing. "Let a guardian bring her back," The Ancestor Who Came Up With A Good Idea said.

Pyro, who had been sitting around playing with his lighter and making cute little fire butterflies…aww…suddenly got snatched up (along with his pitiful pot-sounding gong) and passed around the ancestors.

"Yes! Awaken the most cunning," Great-Grandfather Pryde said, dragging Pyro over to a statue of a tiger.

"No! The swiftest," The Accountant Ancestor said, flying Pyro over to a statue of a rabbit.

"No," The Really Cranky Ancestor said, pulling Pyro over to a statue of a monkey. "Send the wisest!"

"Silence!" Kurt yelled, and The Really Cranky Ancestor dropped Pyro, and he fell to the floor with a clang. "Ve must send the most powerful of all."

"Okay, okay, okay, Oy get your drift, Oy'll go," Pyro said.

The ancestors all stared at him…then burst out laughing. "You had your chance to protect the Pryde Family," Kurt said.

"Your misguidance led Pryde Deng to disaster," The Really Cranky Ancestor said.

"Yeah," Pryde Deng said. "Thanks a lot."

"What's your point, mate?" Pyro said.

"Just go avaken the Great Stone Dragon already," Kurt said, throwing him outside.

Pyro stuck his head back inside. "So you'll get back to me on the job thing, right, mate?"

Kurt threw the gong at him.

* * *

Okay! Now's that's the real end. Next chappie, Pyro will break the Great Stone Dragon then go after Mulan with Jimmy; we'll meet Lance and The Brotherhood…plus Mastermind…Huns with the whole Imperial Scouts thing; Rogue will meet Pyro and Jimmy, then we'll meet Bobby, Ray, and Roberto (Yao, Ling, and Chien-Po), and the whole rice mishap; plus Captain Remy with his dear old dad, Forge.

"I'm not old!" Forge yelled, popping up from…somewhere.

Butt out of my **A/N**! And dear old dad is an expression. Although now that you mention it, Forge, if you hadn't gotten stuck in Middleverse, you'd be really old…or even dead.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Forge screamed, clapping his hands over his ears and running away.

Poor dude…hehehe…Captain LeBeau Remy. That just doesn't sound right! Aw, screw the last names, let's just use Captain Remy. And Forge will be…General Forge. Oh, and Remy's big shirtless singing number will be 2 chappies hence…cuz…yeah. Hey, did you know that the Mandarin version of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" is sung by Jackie Chan? Yep, there's a music video on the DVD with him singing and doing cool tricks that I'll never be able to do in a kajillion years. So anywayz, peoples, please review! And HAPPY CHRISMAHANNUKWANZAKAH TO EVERYONE!


	3. Monkey Dude, Invisible Walls, and Old Ma...

**..:: Monkey Dude, Invisible Walls, and Old Man Forge ::..**

Whee! More reviews! Merci beaucoup to **heartsyhawk**, **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**,** EE's Skysong**, **Sangofanatic**, and **psychobunny410** for reviewing! You guys rock! Oh, and **heartsyhawk**, DUDE! You need to update your ficcies!!!!!!!!! All of them!!!!! Really!!!! And **psychobunny410**, sorry about using Psycho Bunny! That's what I call myself (A Cute But Psycho Bunny is my main username thingie, but I'm going to use this one solely for XME parodies), but from now on, I'll just use The Authoress. And I would read your Mulan parody, but I don't know wrestling that well! Well, my sis got me started on WWE Smackdown recently, so I know them a little, but I'd still get completely lost.

DISCLAIMER: (I keep forgetting to do these) Is Pyro afraid of fire? Does Storm like dark, condensed spaces? Is Logan a vegetarian? If you answered yes to ANY of those questions, FORK OVER THE PILLS! Or, if you don't have pills, LINE UP AND GET YOUR MEDICATION!

**!NOTE!** NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PARODYING OF THIS PARODY. However, I cannot say the same for mutants – especially JOTT – since I haven't finished writing this parody yet. And yes, parodying is a real word.

Oh yeah, Priscilla and Trisha Lee agreed to be chaperones for my bunnies' vacation to Paris, so Wanda is now the director.

"What?!" Pietro yelled. "She-gets-to-be-the-director-and-I-don't?"

Well, you're part of the Brotherhood.

"So-is-she!"

The Huns are all male. Plus, Wanda's got the hexing thing.

Pietro pouted.

Fine, how about I make you the director for the next parody I make – if you're not cast in it.

"Okay!"

* * *

Pyro trudged down the stone steps, the gong still clanging pitifully like a pot. "One more chance, is that too much to ask?" he muttered.

"Yep!" Kurt yelled from the ancestors temple.

"You're not supposed to hear that!" Pyro yelled back. "Hey, wake up, mate!" he yelled at the dragon statue, banging on the gong-that-thinks-it's-a-pot. Unsurprisingly, the statue didn't change in the slightest.

That ticked Pyro off. So he dropped the gong-that-thinks-it's-a-pot and picked up his lighter. "WAKE UP!" he yelled, engulfing the statue in flames. "Oooh…pretty foyre…" He stood there, staring at the beauty of it all – not to mention drooling – not realizing that the Great Stone Dragon was slowly being burnt into ashes.

…**1 Hour Later…**

Pyro was still drooling in awe at the fire. Stupid statue's taking forever to burn! DIVINE INTERVENTION!

The statue exploded. Pyro sniffed. "Pretty foyre…gone…" he whimpered.

Kurt bamfed (yes, he might be "dead" but he can still bamf) down to where Pyro was whimpering over the dead fire. "You okay there?" he asked.

Pyro started crying. "It was too young to doye!!!!" he wailed.

"Uh," Kurt started backing away slowly. "I feel your pain, but you gotta go after Rogue now."

Pyro sniffled.

"You've still got the lighter, you know," Kurt pointed out.

Pyro cheered up right away. "You're royght, mate!" he said. "Oy better go find Remy's sheila now!" And he happily ran off, along with Jimmy, because he's an adorable cricket like that.

…**Somewhere In China…**

So The Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army rode along, The Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…in street clothes that looked really out of place, but who cares; the rest of the Hun Army in ugly fur stuff, and all of the horsies looking really pissed off, probably because the Brotherhood/Huns/Monkey Dude-

"Hey!" Monkey Dude – I mean Mastermind – no, actually, I'll just stick with Monkey Dude – yelled. "I'm not a monkey!"

Riiiight. So, as I was saying, the horsies were pretty pissed off cuz the Brotherhood/Huns/Monkey-Dude-Who-Is-Not-A-Monkey riding them had no fashion sense. Well, Pietro didn't look half bad. And Lance could pull off the whole ripped-jeans look. But other than that…ick.

So, anyway, they were riding along on really P.O.'d horsies, when Lance stopped, yanking on the reins really hard and making his poor horsie even more P.O.'d than it already was. And, due to his mad Hunnified skills – wow, never using that word again – he could tell exactly where the two Imperial Scout Dudes were. Pietro, Todd, and Monkey Dude ran into the trees and found the two Imperial Scout Dudes, dumping them on the floor…how rude. "Imperial Scouts, yo," Toad said, stating the obvious.

Lance jumped off his seriously P.O.'d horsie and walked toward the Imperial Scout Dudes, looking as terrifying as a skinny adolescent in a black T-shirt, vest thingie, and ripped jeans can look…which isn't very terrifying.

"Hey!" Lance yelled up at The Authoress.

Well, it's true. Shan-Yu in the movie wasn't so skinny, plus he had the whole grayish skin and eyes-that-look-like-Remy's-except-Shan-Yu's-are-yellow-which-is-just-really-weird.

"……Riiiiiiiiiight," Lance said, then went back to the two Imperial Scouts.

"Lance Alvers," The Cowardly But Smart Imperial Scout Dude (CBS for short) gasped.

"Oh, come on, he's not that intimidating," The Courageous But Stupid Imperial Scout Dude (CBS for short…wait, that's the same initials! Oh yeah, I did that on purpose. So never mind) said.

"Congratulations," Lance said. "You've found the Brotherhood-"

Monkey Dude coughed.

"…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army," Lance said.

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"

"The Spyke will stop you," The Courageous But Stupid Imperial Scout Dude said all…courageously. Well, actually, it was more like defiantly.

"Stop me?" Lance said. "He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength, blah, blah, blah…this guy sounds like an idiot!"

Tell me about it.

"Go ahead and tell Spyke to send his strongest armies," Lance said, pointing with his sword. "Hey, I get a sword?"

No duh, you've been holding it the whole time…Idiot.

"Yeah, so, go tell Spyke!" Lance said, pointing with the sword again.

"Uh, the Imperial City is that way," The Cowardly But Smart Imperial Scout Dude said, pointing the other way.

"Then go that way!" Lance yelled, using intimidation to cover up for looking stupid. So the Imperial Scout Dudes ran off. "How many men does it take to deliver a message?" he said.

Pietro aimed with his bow and arrow. "One," he said, and shot it…or whatever.

"HOLY SHIT!"

Offstage, Evan ducked. The arrow flew right through where his head would have been a second ago and splintered on the wall several feet away. Hey no killing people, Pietro!

Pietro pouted.

Aw, he's so CUTE when he pouts!

"He almost killed me and you're calling him CUTE?!" Evan yelled.

Yeah. The Authoress nodded happily.

Evan said lots of naughty technicolor words.

"Evan!" Ororo yelled, shocked…not that she should be.

Wash out your mouth! And one Divine Intervention Flashy Flash later, Evan was choking on soap. **EE's Skysong**'s right. Torturing Evan is just so much more fun!

…**Somewhere Near Wu Zhong Camp…**

Rogue was practicing in front of Charlie. "Okay, how's this," she said. "Excuse me, where do Ah sahgn in? Ah, Ah see you have a sword! Ah have one, too. They're very manly and…tough." She tried to pull out the sword, but it didn't come out all the way. Halfway out, she lost her grip on it, and it clattered to the ground. Charlie just laughed…well, he neigh-laughed.

Rogue threw her shoe at it – nearly knocking Charlie out, since the she was wearing leather two-inch heel platform ankle boots. "Ah'm workin' on it!" she yelled. "Oh, who am Ah kiddin'? It's gonna take me a miracle to get into the ahmy."

"Did Oy hear someone ask for a miracle?" Pyro yelled. But since he can't pull off Mushu like Eddie Murphy can (more importantly, I can't write it), we now fast-forward a few minutes to where Pyro walked out from behind the rock.

"Mah ancestors sent a little Scot to help me?" Rogue said. And she means Scot as in someone from Scotland, not Scott-with-a-pole-up-his-ass. "Thanks a lot, Kurt."

"Vhat?" Kurt said offstage. "It vasn't **my** idea!"

"Hey, AUSSIE, not Scot," Pyro said, clearly offended. "I don't do that kilt thing."

Rogue pulled a Polaroid picture out of her pocket. "Right. So explain this."

In the picture, John was dressed in a kilt, had painted his face like Braveheart, and was making fire leprechauns; Remy was in a billowy loose shirt and tight black pants and Riverdancing; and Piotr was playing the bagpipes.

"WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!" Pyro exclaimed.

"Tabitha," Rogue said. "And she got the other guys, too," she added, showing him a picture of Bobby, Ray, Sam, and Roberto. What they were doing…we'll get to that later.

"Royght, well, we all got really drunk one noyght in Vegas…and then we played Truth or Dare…Oy think the new guys had to put on a strip tease…"

"Yeah, Tabitha took a lot of pictures of that," Rogue said.

"Oh yeah, and Bobby and Jubilee got hitched as a dare," Pyro finished. Yeah, Remy, John, Piotr, Bobby, Ray, Sam, Roberto, Jubilee, Amara, Tabitha, and Rahne were there. Rogue and Wanda were…not. And besides, we're really getting off plot, so let's get to the camp scene already. Watch this thing get even more off plot…

…**At Wu Zhong Camp…**

So instead of walking in like a pigeon-toed idiot, Rogue walked in like a normal person, and no one was the wiser. Yeah, and no one really noticed she was a girl, either. They're stupid like that. Well, until she met Bobby and Ray and Roberto.

"This tattoo will protect me from harm," The Idiotical Tattoo Dude said. Bobby looked at it, then slammed his fist into the guy's stomach. Ray started laughing like an idiot.

Then Pyro decided to give Rogue **really** crappy advice (Remember, he's chilling in Rogue's collar, but he's not being perverted at all cuz Wanda would kill him). "Punch him in the arm, that's how goys say hello." So Rogue did, except she punched Bobby really hard, so he ran straight into Roberto and knocked him over. (Duh, he's not super-insulated like Chien-Po!) "Get off!" Roberto yelled, shoving Bobby off him. (Oh yeah, I don't know Roberto's accent at all, so I'm not doing it! End of story!)

But then Pyro gave Rogue even crappier advice. "Slap him on the ass!"

"What?!" Rogue said.

"Just do it, it's in the script!" Pyro said.

Rogue rolled her eyes, but slapped Bobby on the ass. Instead of getting pissed off like Yao should've, Bobby got turned on. (Obviously, they all know Rogue's a girl…actually, they all know except Scott cuz he's stupid like that) "I knew you felt the same way!" Bobby said.

Poor Bobby. Jubilee probably would have come running out of nowhere to yell at him, but instead, Remy came running at him, with lots of charged playing cards. Bobby screamed like a little girl and ran, nearly getting blown up by the cards. Then Roberto – who was in a very non-Chien-Po mood – stuck his foot out, so Bobby went sprawling. It probably would've been the end for Bobby – or at least Bobby Jr. – if Remy hadn't slammed face first into an invisible wall.

"Where'd that come from?" Pyro said.

Divine intervention is a **wonderful** thing. Poor Remy knocked himself out and slid slowly to the ground with that weird squeaking skin-on-glass noise. Meanwhile, all the Remy-lovers out there reading this ran after The Authoress with knives and daggers and any other sharp, pointy object they could find.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I promise I won't hurt Remy again! On the bright side, Rogue now got to play not-so-sexy Nurse – and I'm only saying that because, really, how sexy can Rogue (or anyone, for that matter) be in Logan's armor? Not that sexy. (Well, actually, Logan probably would be, cuz duh, it's his armor) Ray and Roberto laughed at Bobby shamelessly…then tried to kill each other again. WAIT A MINUTE!

Bobby split them up – getting fried and a black eye in the process, poor dude. "Chien-Po's a nice guy," he reminded Roberto. "Very calm and…zen."

"Okay, okay, we're good," Roberto said, while he and Ray glared daggers at each other. Rogue took Remy off to a tent to play not-so-sexy Nurse, and for ten whole seconds, everything was at peace. And then-

"He's breathing my air, I swear he is!" Ray yelled.

"You (insert Portugese swear word here)!" Roberto yelled at him, not that Ray can understand Portugese anyway, and they ran at each other…again. Dude, this is getting old.

So they both ran straight into invisible walls. Then they got up, tried to run around the invisible wall – and ran into another invisible wall. Muwahahaha, I LUVERZ Divine Intervention. Yes, they were both trapped in invisible boxes, so Bobby could get a breather. So, since Rogue was busy being not-so-sexy Nurse, and Ray and Roberto were both stuck in invisible boxes that would eventually begin playing the Barney song if they tried to get out-

"Say what?!" Ray said, in the middle of trying to electrify – or WHATEVER the word is – his way out of an invisible box – which, as we all know, does not work.

"_Que você disse_?" Roberto asked at the same time, trying to use his super-strength ability thing to get out of the invisible box – which, as we also know, does not work.

Oops, did I say that out loud? Well, moving on, and ignoring the very panicked looks on the two R's faces (cuz Ray and Roberto is too much to type), Bobby went to go get some rice. But the line was really long, so he froze everyone and walked up to the front, where the Rice Cook Dude gave him lots of rice for fear of being frozen.

Now, the two R's aren't the brightest Crayolas of the fluorescent bunch – well, if they were, they're not in this ficcie cuz I am torturing them like hell – hey, I'm torturing my favorite dudes! This is fun! – they tried even harder to get out of the invisible boxes. But, since they had used up the time limit of silence, it now played Barney's song in their head.

_I love you, you love me_

_We're a happy family…_

And I'll stop torturing you guys there. So the two R's screamed like bansheefied insomniacs (and bansheefied only exists in my vocabulary, but I love the word) and banged their heads against the invisible walls – which, as we all know, only made things worse, because the box thought they were trying to get out, not knock themselves out.

Meanwhile, the Rice Cook Dude finished giving out all the rice and went poof, so the rice incident didn't happen. And them Remy regained consciousness and went off to have the mini-meeting with Scott the Kissass and Old Man Forge.

…**In Old Man Forge's Tent…**

"I'm not old!!!" Forge yelled.

Don't make me start on the whole if-it-weren't-for-Middleverse speech again!

Forge muttered inaudibly, but went on with his lines. "The Brotherhood…plus the Jive Monkey…Hun Army have struck here, here, and here," he said, pointing with his horse whip…switch…thing. "I will take the main troops up to Tung Shao Pass and stop Lance Alvers before he destroys this village." He pointed again.

"Excellent strategy, sir," Scott the Kissass said. "I do love a surprise."

Forge ignored him. "You will stay here and train the new recruits. When Scott believes you are ready, you will join us, Captain."

"Captain?" Remy said.

Scott the Kissass gasped. "This is an enormous responsibility, General," he stammered. "Perhaps a soldier with more experience…"

"Number one in his class," Forge said. "Extensive knowledge of training techniques, and an impressive military lineage – that does not sound right!"

He and Remy looked at each other, then flinched and looked away, shuddering.

"Uh, I believe Remy will do an excellent job," Forge finished.

"Oh, I will," Remy said, sounding WAY too overexcited. "I won' let y' down. Dis is…I mean…" he cleared his throat and bowed. "Oui, monsieur."

We're in China, not France! And that was my pitiful attempt at Remy's accent. So sorry.

"Right, then," Forge said, a little weirded out by Remy bowing at him. "We'll toast to China's victory at the Imperial City. I don't like tea…" he whined.

Shush, you won't be drinking any anyway!

"I'll expect a full report in three weeks," he added to Scott.

"And I won't leave anything out," Scott said after Forge walked out.

"Don' forget to mention de pole up y' ass, den," Remy said, walking out as well.

"Thanks for reminding me!" Scott said, starting to write on his paper thing. "Wait a minute………………HEY!"

Remy laughed. "Dat homme is stupid."

Tell me about it. So they all walked outside, but there was no big fight because Rogue and Bobby, the two main offenders, were sitting on the ground eating rice and watching the two R's slowly but steadily succumb to sans-sanity.

"What's with the alliteration?" Bobby asked.

So I felt like using a little alliteration. Anyway, Forge left on his pretty non-P.O.'d horsie, along with the rest of his army. Poor dudes…

"Hey, Swamp Rat," Rogue said, turning around from where she and Bobby were eating rice, totally disintegrating what was left of the storyline.

"So, what do we do now?" Bobby asked. "Remy's big singing number isn't till the next chapter."

"We could jus' sit and watch de garçons go crazy," Remy suggested.

"Good idea," Bobby said.

"Oy'm bored!" Pyro complained. After all, he **was** only a foot tall.

Wanda was suddenly struck by an idea, meaning The Authoress got an idea and whispered it to her. She whispered it in Pyro's ear, who lit up and nodded happily.

Ten seconds later, Ray and Roberto were surprised to realize that Barney's song had stopped playing in their head, and that the invisible box had vanished. On one hand, they were free to salvage what was left of their sanity. On the other hand, they were now being chased by a mini Pyro cackling madly…**very** madly.

"That's not so bad," Ray said.

Oh yeah, plus a 10 foot tall fire dragon.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ray yelled.

"(insert Portugese swear word here)!" Roberto yelled at the same time.

And for the next few hours Pyro and The Dragon chased Ray and Roberto all around the camp, while everyone else watched and ate popcorn, chips and soda. Needless to say, Ray and Roberto learned a lesson about fighting.

Or not.

…**One Chapter Later…**

"He's looking at me weird!"

"Your face is weird!"

But we'll get into that next chapter.

* * *

Hm, not my best work. Don't worry! Next chappie, a shirtless Remy singing and making everyone else look bad. Oh, and the bit with Ray and Roberto, probably before Remy starts singing. Yeah, I predict that the next chappie will be on the short side.

Oh, despite the fact that I'm only 3 chappies into this thing, I'm already contemplating new ideas for the next insane parody I do. And the main pairing I've decided on is…KITTY AND ???

Seriously. I don't know who to put her with. Your choices are: (listed alphabetically as to show how unbiased I am – I actually like all 3, which is why you people get to pick!)

KIOTR

KURTTY

LANCITTY

Please let me know which one you want me to do in your review. Oh, and suggest what movie you want, too. I'm thinking about doing Pirates of the Caribbean or Moulin Rouge. Well, anyway, please review!


	4. Remy's Big Shirtless Singing Number

**..:: Remy's Big Shirtless Singing Number ::..**

Thank you to **EE's Skysong**, **heartsyhawk**, **todd fan**, and **Chica de Los Ojos Cafe **for reviewing! And **todd fan**, I love Forge, too! Sure they say he (General Li) died, but they never showed his body! (wink wink nudge nudge) Don't worry, I've been planning a little something something for that part since the beginning…teehee…you don't mind if I borrow Forge's tie-dye bandanna from ya, do you? ;D

DISCLAIMER: Can Remy speak Cantonese? Can Kurt count past 10 on his fingers and toes (poor guy)? Does anyone REALLY like JOTT?

* * *

Okay, so now we're back on plot…for the most part. Rogue was sleeping in her tent thing, Jimmy in her sock…until Pyro used him as an alarm clock.

"All royght, royse and shoyne!" Pyro said all cheerfully…well, when isn't he? "Got breakfast for ya! Look! It's porridge! And it's happy to see you!" He held out a bowl with porridge, two eggs and bacon shaped in a smiley face. Then Jimmy popped up out of the porridge.

"Hey, get out of there, mate!" Pyro said, flicking Jimmy out with his chopsticks – yes, everyone has Mad Chopstick Skills. Well, except JOTT, of course. "You're gonna make people sick!"

"Am Ah late?" Rogue asked.

Pyro shoved porridge into her mouth. "No toyme to talk! It's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher, and no foyghting. Play noyce with the other kids, unless, of course, the other kids wanna foyght, then you gotta kick the other kids' butt."

"Buh ahd n wonn ki te odda kisbuh."

"Don't talk with your mouth full, sheila," Pyro said. "Now, let's see your war face!"

Rogue just looked at him, with her mouth bulging out like a chipmunk's.

"Oh, Oy think moy bunny slippers just ran for cover," Pyro said sarcastically.

"Ya have bunny slippers?" Rogue said skeptically.

"Yeah!" Pyro nodded. "Foyre bunnies!" He showed her the fire bunny slippers he was wearing. "Oh yeah, and Forge made this for ya, sheila." He gave her a black collar with silver studs on it. (hehe, heartsyhawk, I hope you don't mind me borrowing that) "It's a-"

"Power inhibitor," Rogue finished.

"Yeah!" Pyro nodded happily.

"Thanks, Forge," Rogue said.

"No problem," Forge said smugly offstage.

Outside the tent, Charlie poked his head in. "Neigh! Snort-nicker neigh neigh!"

"Whaddya mean, the troops just left?" Pyro said. Yep, he can talk to chipmunks AND penguins AND horsies!

"They what?!" Rogue said. She jumped out of the tent, pulling on her other shoe, and ran off.

"Wait! You forgot your sword!" Pyro yelled. "Moy baby all off to destroy people," he said with the tone of someone watching their kid go to their first day of school. Jimmy jumped up to him. "Do you have a tissue, mate?" Pyro asked him.

"Chirp, chirp-chirp **chirp**." Translation: Boy, what a **loser**. But Pyro can't speak Cricket.

**At The Training Camp Thing…**

Everyone was talking to each other, and Scott was demonstrating his Mad Leadership Skills. "Order! Order!" he yelled.

"Yeah, I'd like a pan-fried noodles," Unimportant Soldier Dude #8 said.

"Ooh! Sweet and pungent shrimp!" Roberto said.

"Moo goo gai pan!" Unimportant Soldier Dude #2 said. I'm assuming Moo goo gai pan is a Chinese dish.

"Very funny," Scott said sarcastically. Oh yeah, that's some Mad Leadership Skills you got there, Scotty-dog.

"I know!" Roberto said, laughing and glancing over to where Bobby and Ray were laughing at Scott. I think we all know what's going to happen next…

"He's looking at me weird!"

"Your face is weird!"

Bobby, Scott, and all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes carefully backed away while Ray and Roberto beat each other up…again.

Rogue came running up. "Hey, guys…oh, they're at it again?"

"Yeah," Bobby said. There was something that sounded like a mini explosion, and everyone ran even further back, since Ray was now firing off electrical energy and Roberto was using his solar energy absorbing power…thing.

Wanda hexed them apart. "Rogue, do you mind?" she asked.

"Mah pleasure," Rogue said. She took off the collar and gave it to Bobby. "Hold this," she said, and walked over to where Ray and Roberto were being held by Wanda's hexing powers.

"No! Wait!" Ray said. "We promise we won't fight! Please don't zap us," he begged.

"Do you promise?" Wanda asked Roberto, who only stared at Rogue in fear and nodded. Hehehe, BOW BEFORE ROGUE'S POWER!!! Sorry.

So, a few seconds later, Rogue had the power inhibitor back on, all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes were making Unimportant Soldier Dude Chatter, and Ray and Roberto were being very good little kiddums and talking conversationally with Bobby and Rogue. And Scott was standing around like a loser/loner/BOTH with a pole up his ass.

Remy came out of his tent thingie with his jacket on. Why he had his jacket on, I have no clue, considering it was completely pointless, as he would be taking it off in T minus **5** seconds. Oh, and to the Remy-lovers out there (**4**…) (I think that means all of us), I suggest that you go fetch your drool buckets now if you need one.

"Soldiers!" He yelled. (**3**…) Everyone lined up in a nice, straight line, cuz Remy has that much authority and power over them, and Scott doesn't. (**2**…wow I'm counting slow…) "Y' will assemble swiftly an' silently every mornin'." (**1**!) He took off his jacket, showing off his awesome pecs…and abs…and extremely ripped arms…

Well, needless to say, Rogue was staring. And she had an excuse, considering Mulan did in the script. Remy picked up the crossbow and quiver. "Anyone qui asks otherwise, will 'ave to answer to moi."

"Ooh, tough guy," Bobby said. Unfortunately, at that moment, Remy walked right by him in all his shirtless glory…not that it had any effect on anyone except Rogue.

Remy turned around. "Bobby," he said, and aimed an arrow at him. Everyone else in line took a BIG step back. Who knew if Remy had good aim with a crossbow, but that wasn't the point. He can pull off the sexy archer look better than Legolas, any day. Needless to say, Bobby looked scared.

Even though he shouldn't have worried…no, wait, actually, he should have. Remy shot the arrow at the post thingie, and, of course, it sank straight in. Yep, Remy has Mad Archery Skills. "Merci fo' volunteerin'. Retrieve de arrow."

Bobby walked over to the post thingie. "I'll get that arrow, pretty boy," he muttered. "And I'll do it with my shirt **on**."

"Bon, because I don' think anyone wan's to see y' wi' y' shirt off," Remy said.

"Hey!" Bobby yelled. He was about to start climbing up the pole thingie when Remy stopped him.

"Wai' a minute," he said. "Y' forgettin' somethin'."

Scott came over, barely managing to carry a box that obviously contained something that was VERY HEAVY. Maybe they were Kitty's muffins…

Or not. Remy lifted two weights attached to cloth ribbon thingies like they were feathers. He tied one on Bobby's wrist. "Dis," he said, holding up Bobby's wrist. "Represents discipline." He dropped Bobby's wrist, and it plummeted to the ground. "An' dis," he tied the other around Bobby's wrist and held it up, "Represents strength."

"Please don't let go," Bobby said.

Remy dropped Bobby's wrist, and he fell to the ground. Ray and Roberto nearly collapsed on each other laughing…then realized it and jerked away. "Y' need bo' t' reach de arrow," Remy finished.

Somehow, Bobby got up. He stared up at where the arrow was…which suddenly seemed REALLY far up. He jumped, somehow scrambled up two feet, then started sliding down. He panicked and froze the pole…which only made things worse. Needless to say, he landed on his ass. Hard.

Somehow, between Bobby's turn and Ray's turn, the pole unfroze. How, I don't know. The point is, Ray did even worse than Bobby, somehow falling off the pole upside down. Go figure. Roberto landed on his ass, too, but due to his solar energy absorbing power…thing he accidentally knocked the pole out of the ground. Mysteriously, it landed back in perfectly. Rogue was the only one who fell back down normally. As Rogue walked back to her spot in line, Remy looked like he was going to have a migraine. "We've go' a lon' way t' go," he said. Then he grabbed a bunch of wooden staffs and threw them at them. Everyone caught one except Rogue, because Bobby caught it for her. He and Ray had decided now was a good time as any to start picking on her. Rogue glared at him, and he tripped her with the stick; then threw it on the ground next to her, trying to look innocent…yeah right.

Remy's Big Singing Shirtless Number starts in T minus **3**… (although technically the music started when Bobby fell down the pole)

**2**… (oh yeah, the singing in ( )'s is by the backup dudes)

**1**… (please forgive my terrible attempt at Remy's accent)

CUE REMY!

_**Let's ge' down t' business**_

(This is another reason I picked Remy to be Shang. He's already got Mad Bo Staff skills, although in this case it's a wooden staff) Remy threw the two clay pots up in the air with his staff, then did a cool flip-turn-thing with his staff.

_**T' defea'**_

He smashed each pot with his staff as they came down, then landed in a lunge with his staff pointing at them.

_**De Huns**_

Everyone held their staffs out in front of them. "Hoo-ah!" Ick, it really pains me to type that.

_**Di' dey sen' m' daughters**_

Ray dropped a bug in Rogue's shirt, and she jumped around knocking everyone else out with her staff.

_**When I asked fo' sons?**_

Remy pole-vaulted off his staff and flipped over all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes, landing next to Rogue.

_**You're de saddes' bunch I ever met**_

_**Bu' y' can -bet-**_

Still trying to get the bug out of her shirt, Rogue accidentally socked Remy in the stomach with the end of her staff.

_**B'fore we're t'rough**_

Remy grabbed the staff from Rogue.

_**Monsieur, I'll make un homme out of you**_

The scene cut to a part of the camp near a tree with rings drawn on it. Remy launched three pomegranates up in the air with a board, shot an arrow through each of them, and sank them all straight into three rings on the tree.

_**Tranquil as the forest**_

All the Unimportant Soldier Dudes, plus Bobby, Ray, and Roberto, failed miserably at trying to shoot arrows through the pomegranates, much less at the tree. Rogue was about to shoot hers when Pyro grabbed the arrow from her, stuck it through a pomegranate through it, gave it back to her, and disappeared into her quiver.

_**Bu' on fire-**_

"Did someone say foyre?" Pyro asked, popping up out of Rogue's quiver. He was then chased by all the fangirls furious at him for interrupting Remy's song.

_**Wit'in**_

Remy glared at Rogue, who tried to pull a hehe-look-at-this-cute-smile-please-forgive-me.

_**Once y' fin' y' center**_

Unimportant Soldier Dudes #9, #12, #7, #3, and #18 threw rocks at Remy, who blocked them perfectly without spilling a single drop from the bucket of water on his head. That's just impossible.

_**Y're sure t' win**_

Rogue, on the other hand, seemed to be having a lot of trouble (duh! It's impossible!) Bobby and Ray grinned, tossing their fist sized rocks, while poor Roberto stared doubtfully at his tiny pebble. Poor guy…

_**Y're a spineless, pale, pat'etic lo'**_

Bobby and Ray threw their rocks at Rogue as hard as they could. Rogue ducked, spilling the water all over her, swung randomly, and sent one flying back at Roberto, knocking him over because he's not as insulated as Chien-Po.

_**An' y' haven' go' a clue**_

_**Somehow I'll**_

Remy stood in a stream. He expertly grabbed a fish out of the stream in the blink of an eye.

_**Make un homme**_

Rogue and Bobby tried. However, Rogue accidentally grabbed Bobby's foot instead of a fish.

_**Out o' you**_

Bobby and Roberto ran through a path of flaming arrows.

**_I'm never gonna catch my breath_**, Roberto sang.

**_Say goodbye to those who knew me_**, Bobby sang. He tripped, fell, and then a flaming arrow stuck him in the ass. Poor guy.

**_Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym_**, Ray sang. He tried to break through a foot-thick block of cement with his face. Also impossible. Unsurprisingly, he lost about five teeth.

Remy and Rogue were practicing hand-to-hand combat. After a few cool moves, Remy punched her in the face, sending her tumbling backwards into a tree, where Pyro washed her face with a wet washcloth.

**_This goy's got 'em scared to death!_** Pyro sang.

**_Hope he doesn't see raght through me_**, Rogue sang.

Roberto jumped across a few poles over a river, then stopped.

**_Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!_** Roberto sang. "I really can swim, you know," he added to no one in particular.

We know.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river**_

The Unimportant Soldier Dudes tried to aim cannons at the Scarecrow Lance, and failed miserably. Heck, no one even hit the -100 point ring on the target.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**Wit' all de force o' a grea' typhoon**_

_**(Be a man)**_

Whistling innocently (yeah, right), Ray knocked over the sticks holding up Rogue's cannon. Rogue grabbed it, but it went off, sending the cannon backwards.

_**Wit' all de strength o' a ragin' fire**_

Namely, at Scott's tent. The whole thing went up in flames, including the back of Scott's robes. Haha, you loner/loser/BOTH.

_**Mysterious as de dark side o' de moon**_

Remy sat up on a hill, glanced at the arrow on the pole, and sighed. Poor dude.

_**Time is racin' toward us**_

Everyone was staggering up a mountain path carrying bamboo sticks with heavy bags of something tied to the ends – well, Remy was doing fine, cuz you can't have a body like that, plus be Captain, and not be able to carry it; and Roberto was carrying it like the bags had nothing but Pixie Stix in them, due to his solar energy absorbing ability…thing. Scott the Kissass got to ride on a P.O.'d horsie, and he got Remy's attention to point back at Rogue, who was way behind.

_**Till de Huns arrive**_

Not only was Rogue behind, she fell over. Pyro tried to help her up, but there was really nothing he could due, since he was only a foot tall. Not to worry, Remy came over and carried the bamboo stick with the heavy bags for her, all the while looking really, REALLY P.O.'d, even worse than the horsie.

_**Heed m' ever' order**_

_**An' y' migh' survive**_

The scene cut to later that night, when Rogue's apparently just finished from training. Remy walked over to her, leading Charlie.

_**Y're unsuited f' de rage o' war**_

_**So pack up, go home, y're t'rough**_

Rogue looked at Remy a little oddly for singing to her instead of just talking, but she took Charlie's reins and walked away dejectedly. Then she passed right underneath the shadow of the arrow in the pole.

_**How coul' I make un homme out o' you?**_

Rogue tied the weight to her wrist, tried to climb up the pole, and fell right off. Then she looked at them again, and was struck by an idea THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD PROBABLY THINK OF EVER IN A KAJILLION YEARS.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river**_

She threw the weights around the pole so that the ribbons tied together, and started walking up the pole.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**Wit' all de force o' a great typhoon**_

The next morning, all the soldiers came out of their tent to see Rogue climbing up that pole.

_**Wit' all de strength o' a ragin' fire**_

Remy came out of his tent to see the arrow land right in front of him, and all the soldiers cheering. Rogue sat up on the pole with the weights slung over her shoulder and a big grin on her face.

_**Mysterious as de dark side o' de moon**_

_**(Be a man)**_

The scene cut to all the arrows with pomegranates stuck through them land bulls-eye on each target; then to the soldiers running up the hill with the bamboo sticks and the bags, Rogue in the lead.

_**We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river**_

Rogue and Remy were fighting again, and this time, Rogue kicked him in the chin, knocking him over.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**Wit' all de force o' a great typhoon**_

The scene cut to the poles over the river, with Roberto doing somersaults onto each of the.

_**(Be a man)**_

_**Wit' all de strength **_

Remy threw everyone wooden staffs again, and Bobby caught Rogue's, but instead of tripping her, he handed it to her.

_**O' a ragin' fire**_

The scene cut to Bobby running straight through a path of flaming arrows.

_**Mysterious as**_

The scene cut to Ray cutting straight through a foot-thick block of concrete with his head (having mysteriously regrown all his teeth).

_**De dark side of**_

The scene cut to a cannon blowing the Scarecrow Lance up; then to Rogue pulling five fish out of a stream.

_**De moon**_

The song ended with all the soldiers jumping in the air and kicking out with one leg and the staff, the other leg bent underneath them. Oh yeah, and a big "Hoo-ah!"

It really hurts me every time I type that.

* * *

That's it for now! Remy's Big Shirtless Singing Number! Next chappie: Lance and the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army talking about a dolly; Rogue, Ray, Roberto, and Bobby taking a bath/swim DEFINITELY not in the nude; Scott being a major bee's itch; Scott being a sissy; Pyro riding a panda…and that's about it. Also, please let me know who you want me to put Kitty with for my next ficcie! (Yeah, I plan way too far ahead, I know) Please review! 


	5. Who Wants To Be a Eunuch?

**..:: Who Wants To Be a Eunuch? ::..**

Whee! Reviews! Thank you to **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, **psychobunny410**, **Sangofanatic**, and **heartsyhawk** for reviewing! Yayness!

KITTY-wise, we have a three-way tie. Please include who you want me to put her with. I think for the movies I'll do Pirates of the Caribbean (KURTTY?), Moulin Rouge (LANCITTY?), and Anastasia (KIOTR?). I'm really debating myself over Anastasia/Moulin Rouge, cuz even though Piotr's Russian, he's just not the con man kinda guy! Likewise, Lance isn't really a sensitive writer dude. Some input on that would be greatly appreciated. Other suggestions for romance movies (preferably with happy endings – Moulin Rouge's a bit of a sore spot there) would also be greatly appreciated.

Moving on! Does anyone here NOT know what a eunuch is? Well, I'm not psychic, so let me know if you don't!

DISCLAIMER: Is Mystique perfectly sane? Will Todd ever learn proper hygiene? Did the makers of X-Men: The Movie get the pairings right?

* * *

So Lance was chilling in a tree, when he decided to be a BIG MEANIE and cut the top of it off. He stuck the sword back in its sheath on his back, nearly stabbing himself in the process, then saw his faithful falcon, Ross. 

"Just for the record, I would NEVER name a falcon Ross," Lance said.

We know. I named him after my least favorite _Friends_ character. So, anyway, Ross screeched or whatever, and dropped a little dolly. Lance reached out to snatch it from the air, got his foot stuck on a branch, leaned too far out, and – unsurprisingly – fell out of the tree to land in a painful-looking heap in front of the Brotherhood and Monkey Dude. At least he got the dolly. That's what you get for chopping off the top of a tree!

"Real-smooth, Lance," Pietro said.

Lance jumped back up and threw the dolly at Monkey Dude.

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"

Uh huh.

"What do you see?" Lance asked Monkey Dude.

"Black pine, from the high mountains," Monkey Dude said. Wow, he's good. Must be his Mad Primate Skills.

"I'M NOT A-"

"Give it a rest!" Wanda yelled.

Toad grabbed the dolly from Monkey Dude, and Blob picked up a white horse hair. "White horse hair," he said. "Imperial stallions." Why thank you, Captain Obvious. Although some of them could be geldings for all you know.

Toad sniffed the dolly (ewwwww…) "Sulfur," he said. "From cannons."

Lance took the dolly back. "This dolly – I mean doll," Lance said, glaring up at The Authoress, although he really can't see her. "Came from a village in the Tung Shao Pass, where Old Man Forge's Army is waiting for us."

"I'm not old!" Forge yelled offstage.

"Just be quiet and accept it," Kurt advised him.

"Does she mock you, too?" Forge asked.

"Nope!" Kurt said happily. "The chicks did the fuzzy man!"

Yep. Don't ask me why, but the fact that Kurt's a blue and fuzzy elf makes him so much cuter than most of the other X-Men.

Back onstage, Pietro finally said his line. "We-can-avoid-them-easily."

"Nah," Lance said. "The quickest way to The Spyke is through that pass. Besides," he added. "The little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her."

"Excuse me, Mr. Lance." Lance looked down to see a little girl tugging on his jeans. "That's my dolly."

"Oh, uh, sorry," Lance said. "Here." He gave it to her, and the little girl went skipping off on her merry little way.

**At A Lake Near Wu Zhong Camp…**

"This is not a good oydea, sheila," Pyro said. "What if somebody sees you?"

Rogue was already in the water, and no, she is not in the nude! She's wearing a strapless bikini top and shorts. Probably black, cuz otherwise Remy would throw a fit. "If you're so worried, Pahro, go stand watch."

"Whatever, sheila," Pyro muttered. "Stand watch, Poyro, whoyle Oy blow our secret with moy stupid girly habits," he said, imitating Rogue…very badly. And there isn't really any secret to blow, since only Scott doesn't know she's a girl…but whatever.

All of a sudden, Bobby, Ray, and Roberto all came running down to the lake, pulling off their clothes…HOLD UP!

And wow, they actually listened and stopped. "None of you are wearing Speedos or anything, are you?" Wanda asked. "You're all wearing boxers, right?" They nodded. "**Dark** colored boxers," Wanda added. "And loose ones. Not those nasty Fruit of the Loom ones, or whatever. And no touching Rogue – yes, Roberto, we know about that part – anywhere beside her hands. Forge, that power inhibitor works in water, too, right?"

"No duh," Forge said. "I'm not a genius for nothing. And I'm not old," he muttered.

"What's with all the rules?" Bobby asked.

"Remy's requirements," Wanda said. "And it took **forever** to get down to these."

"Why?" Roberto said.

"Well, his original one was to make you guys eunuchs, but we talked him out of it." Wanda grinned at the very scared looks on the boys' faces.

"Besides, I thought you'd be grateful," Tabitha said, popping out of nowhere. (The rest of the X-Men had popped up out of sheer boredom.) "I know for a fact that one of you isn't so…gifted…in your assets," she said.

All three boys stared at each other in horror. "Oh, but don't worry," Tabitha continued. "Five inches is just fine."

"She's not talking about me!" Bobby, Ray, and Roberto all said in unison, despite the identical shades of red creeping over their faces. Well, actually, Roberto's was darker, cuz he's Brazilian, but that's beside the point.

"Riiight," Kitty said. "You mean you've been with **all** of them?" she asked Tabitha.

"Actually, I was just kidding," Tabitha said.

"WHAT?!"

So five minutes of lots of very colorful swearing (Portugese in Roberto's case) later, Bobby, Ray, and Roberto started their little race into the lake over again. "Me first! Me first!" Bobby yelled.

So since Roberto isn't super-insulated like Chien-Po (how many times do I have to keep saying that?), there wasn't a huge splash, but Rogue nonetheless tried to hide behind a lily pad instead of doing the smart thing – ducking underwater. But that would mess up her make-up, I guess.

She would've got away (actually, no, she wouldn't have), but Bobby saw her. "Hey! Rogue!" he yelled.

Rogue peeked out from behind the lily pad. "Oh, hey, gahs!" she said with false cheeriness. "Ah didn't know ya were here. Ah was just washing. So now Ah'm clean, and Ah'm gonna go. Buh-bye."

"Come back here," Ray said, trying to sound like a good friend, but considering the situation, it sounded kinda perverted. He backstroked over to the rock Rogue was trying to duck behind. "I know we were jerks to you before-"

"I wasn't!" Roberto interrupted.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Zen Man," Ray said. "So, let's start over." He held out his hand. "Hi. I'm Ray."

Rogue shook it. "Hi, Ray," she said, bringing her hand back only to slap Roberto.

"And I'm Roberto," Roberto said, tipping a lily pad on his head…go figure.

"Hello, Roberto," Rogue said.

Bobby climbed up onto the rock. "And I am Bobby, King of the Rock!" he said, putting his fists on his hips. "And there's nothing you girls can do about it." As if on cue, his boxers slipped. He reached down and pulled them back up, but not before everyone had gotten a view of his assets.

Well, everyone who wanted a view, meaning Jubilee and Tabitha (Rogue had run away as quickly as possible). "Well, it's definitely not him," Tabitha said, looking over at Ray and Roberto.

Ray and Roberto, meanwhile were completely unfazed by it. They were just insulted by the fact that Bobby had called them girls…and I'm not even gonna say anything about the picture of them that Tabitha took back in Vegas. They looked at each other, nodded, and tackled Bobby. The fight that followed wasn't a very good one, but Jubilee, Rahne, Amara, and Tabitha all watched anyway. Sam tried to be peacemaker and break them up, but he just ended up fighting, too. Or maybe he did that on purpose since the girls (coughRAHNEcough) were watching…

Beside the point. So Rogue climbed out of the lake, hiding behind Charlie. "Ah nevah-"

"Wait a sec!" Wanda said, having just found the note taped to the back of Evan's head.** (1) **"'To whom it may concern,'" she read aloud, "'We refuse to do this scene out of fear of Captain Remy making us all eunuchs, and have taken a brief vacation to Alaska. We will, however, be back in time for the next chapter. Sincerely, The Unimportant Soldier Dudes.'" Wanda rolled her eyes. "Remy, did you have to scare them away?"

"Have no fear, Multiple Man is here!" Jamie yelled, jumping in front of her and striking a cheesy Scott-like pose.

"Um, Jamie, do you know what a eunuch is?" Wanda asked him.

"Nope!" Jamie said cheerfully, despite the fact that he had watched Pirates of the Caribbean several times.

Wanda glanced over at Remy, who had a very bemused look on his face. "So, you're volunteering yourself to make multiples of yourself and run by Rogue in your boxers."

Jamie thought it over for a minute. "…Yup!" he said, nodding cheerfully…again. "For a price," he added.

"What?" Wanda asked. Jamie whispered it in her ear. "Okay, then," she said. Jamie then ran headfirst into a wall and created a couple dozen of himself (not the smartest thing, but, whatever). Then Rogue said her line over again.

"Ah nevah want to see anothah naked man again," she said, flipping her hair out of her face just to see a couple dozen Jamie multiples run past her in Spiderman boxers down to the lake to terrorize Bobby, Ray, Roberto, and Sam. "Or boys in Spiderman boxers," Rogue added.

"Okay, let's go!" the real Jamie said offstage to Wanda. They started walking out of the studio.

"Where-are-you-going?" Pietro asked.

"To Coldstone, where I will use my powers to terrify the workers into making Jamie a Candy Land ice cream cone," Wanda said. "For free."

"Can you get me a Banana Split Decision while you're there?" Tabitha asked.

"Oh, and a Chocolate Devotion for me?" Jubilee asked.

"And an Oreo Overload for me?" Rahne added.

"And a Very Berry Good for me?" Amara put in.

"Hang on, let me write this down," Wanda said. "Anyone else want anything?"

Needless to say, she was then swarmed by people to get them ice cream (who doesn't love ice cream?) After she and Jamie left (with a nice long list), Kurt took over as substitute director.

"How come Kurt gets to do that?" Forge demanded.

"Because the chicks dig the fuzzy man!" Kurt reminded him.

Anyway, back to the movie. Rogue had finished changing back into her training clothes and was walking back to her tent when she saw Remy and Scott the Kissass's silhouettes in Scott the Kissass's tent.

"You think your troops are ready to fight?" Scott said. He laughed. "They would not last a minute against the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Man…Hun Army."

"Dey completed deir trainin'," Remy said.

"Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers than you are to be captain," Scott said.

"You're de one who recruited dem in de first place," Remy pointed out.

Scott glared at him, because Remy was right (duh! JOTT never wins in my ficcies!) "Once General Forge reads my report, your troops will never see battle," he said.

Pyro was listening with his ear against the tent. "Oh no he doesn't! This goy's messing with moy plan!" he yelled to Jimmy.

Back in the tent, Remy grabbed Scott's clipboard before he could walk out. "We're not finished!" he said.

Scott snatched the clipboard away. "Be careful, Captain," he said. "General Forge might be your father, but I am The Spyke's counsel. Oh, and, by the way, I got that job on my own."

"What was I on when I gave him that job?" Evan said offstage.

Scott held the flap of the tent open. "You're dismissed," he said, and Remy stormed through. Oh, did I mention he had his jacket open, showing off his nice abs and pecs?

"Hey," Rogue said as he came out. "Ah'll hold him, and you punch!"

"Okay, then!" Remy said, and turned to walk back into the tent. Unfortunately…

"That's not the line!" Kurt yelled.

"Oh, but it's fun," Remy said.

"How about you make him a eunuch later?" Kurt said.

Scott squeaked like a mouse getting stepped on.

"Remy t'inks he's been a eunuch from de beginnin'," Remy said.

"HEY!" Scott said. Kurt, on the other hand, looked like he thought Remy had a point.

Well, anyway, Remy turned back around and stormed past her. "Or not," Rogue said. "But what it's worth," she added, "Ah think yah're a great captain." Remy stopped, glanced back at her with his peripheral vision, but kept on walking, leaving Rogue grinning like an idiot.

Pyro popped up. "Oy saw that, sheila," he said.

"What?" Rogue asked.

"You loyke him, don't you?" Pyro said.

"No!" Rogue said.

"Yeah, royght, sure…go to your tent!" he said, pointing.

Rogue turned and went, but not before looking back at Remy (who was WAY far away now) and smiling.

Hey! Did you know that in the movie, Mulan goes the wrong way? She should have gone to the right, where Mushu was pointing, but instead she goes to the left, which is the way Shang went. Which is totally wrong, cuz she goes the opposite way as him and looks backwards at him and smiles like an idiot.

Well, now that I've shoved a bit of useless knowledge into your head, I'll now get back to the movie.

"Oy think it's time that we take this war into our own hands, mate," Pyro said to Jimmy, who looked down doubtfully at his…er…feet? They're not hands, at any rate.

Pyro and Jimmy ran over to Scott the Kissass's tent. Pyro flattened himself against the side like some dude caught in police headlights in a crappy caught movie when Scott walked out, humming like a loner/loser/BOTH. Jimmy almost started crying when he saw what he was wearing. No, wait, Jimmy actually did start crying. And I would too, if I didn't hate crying.

Scott was currently wearing yellow slippers, a yellow towel wrapped not around his waist, but up to his chest, had another yellow towel wrapped around his head (???), and had another towel flung over his shoulder. Oh yeah, and he also had one of the bath brush thingies. I have not clue what they're called, cuz I don't use them. Could he BE any more gay? (Sorry, that was my moment of Matthew Perryness. I love Friends!) Actually, I don't want the answer to that question.

Inside Scott the Kissass's tent, Jimmy was slaving away, writing a letter in Chinese (who knew crickets could write Chinese?) while Pyro was staring at a picture of a very P.O.'d Evan. Scott the Kissass was shaking his hand and pointing at him while grinning at the camera (or Painter Dude, I guess, since it's Middle Age China) like a loner/loser/BOTH. You could just tell Pyro was itching to set that thing on fire…don't worry, Pyro, you can when the chappie's over.

"Okay, lemme see what you wrote," Pyro said, picking up the paper. "'From General Forge. Dear son, we're waiting for the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army at the pass. It would mean a lot to us if you'd come back us up.' Hm," Pyro said. "You also forgot to mention, 'Oh, and since we're out of potpourri, why don't you come and bring some!'" Jimmy nodded in agreement. "HELLO?!" Pyro yelled. "We're in a war here! Make it sound more urgent!"

Jimmy saluted, them jumped back in the ink thingie and started writing a new letter. "That's better, mate! Let's go!" He grabbed the paper and ran off.

Outside, Charlie was drinking from a water trough. "Charlie, mate!" Pyro said. "Listen, we need a royde." Charlie spat water out from between his teeth, knocking Pyro onto the ground. Jimmy quickly backed away.

**Back At The Lake Near Wu Zhong Camp…**

Scott walked out of the lake with one towel up around his chest and the other wrapped around his head. He held one of his slippers. "Insubordinate ruffians," he muttered. "You men owe me a new pair of slippers!" Bobby, Ray, Roberto, and Sam…plus a couple dozen Jamie clones…laughed at him. "And I do not squeal like a girl!" he added, turning around to see a panda eat his other shoe. And he squealed like a girl. What a surprise.

There was a Scarecrow Soldier Dude on the panda's back. Pyro was behind it, using bamboo sticks to control its movements; Jimmy was in the helmet, controlling its facial movements…sort of.

"Urgent news from the general, mate," Pyro said, using the sticks to shove the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's hand with the letter toward Scott. Scott squinted at the horse (not like we can tell, considering we can't see his eyes). "What's the matter?" Pyro said. "Never seen a black and whoyte before?"

Scott took the letter, then peered closer at the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's "face". "Who are you?" he asked.

"Excuse me?" Pyro said. "Oy think the question is, who are you? We're in a war, mate! There's no toyme for stupid questions!Oy should have your hat for that!" The panda walked past Scott and Pyro turned the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's torso backwards so he was facing Scott again. "But Oy'm feeling gracious today, so, carry on before Oy report you, mate." Scott looked down at the letter, and the panda climbed up a conveniently located tree.

**At Captain Remy's Tent…**

Scott burst into Remy's tent. "Captain, urgent news from General Forge!" he said. "We're needed at the front!"

Outside, Pyro grinned. "Pack your bags, mate," he said to Jimmy. "We're moving out!"

Okay, Pyro, you can go burn that hideous picture now.

* * *

**(1) **Got that from The Simpsons. Great show, man. 

Okee, that's it for now! Whaddya think? Up next: the soldiers singing about girls, making Rouge pretty nervous; the Burned Village; dead soldiers (although they never show any horsies, go figure); and (GASP) dead Forge???? Maybe, maybe not. All I'm gonna say is that there's a tie-dye bandanna involved (which is todd fan's, not mine!) Yep, not much, but who knows how long the song's gonna be?

Oh, also, I'm a JUBBY shipper, but who should I put Ray and Roberto with? (No Rahne, I ship RAHM! I will get to that in some other parody, sometime.) Please let me know! Review and Wanda'll get you a Codestone ice cream!


	6. It's In The Script!

**..:: It's In The Script! ::..**

Gr, I REALLY wanted this thing up sooner! I had it done yesterday, but then I couldn't log in!!! Gr………

Ice cream time! For **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, Wanda got you Founder's Favorite®. For **todd fan**, Wanda got you Mud Pie Mojo®. Yes, tie-dye bandannas are fun. For **heartsyhawk**, Wanda got you Peanut Butter Cup Perfection™. Oh, and I am SO sorry about the Anastasia thing! I won't do it, I promise! Oh, and a eunuch is a dude who's been castrated. You know what castrated means, right? For **Readerrr Grrrl**, Wanda got you Germanchökolätekäke®. For Storm, she got you Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip®. (I swear, that's really how they put it.) For Wolverine, uh, Wanda couldn't find beer-flavored (I bet that lousy pimple-covered buck-toothed teen was keeping it all for himself!), so she got you Coffee Lovers Only®. For **EE's Skysong**, Wanda got you Cookie Doughn't You Want Some™. And, same as heartsyhawk, I am SO sorry about the Anastasia thing! I didn't mean to steal anyone's ideas. I'm not psychic, you know. For **Sangofanatic**, Wanda got you Apple Pie A La Coldstone®. YES! Plot avoiding! I'm SO using your idea! Merci beaucoup, mon amie! For **psychobunny410**, Wanda got you Cheesecake Fantasy®. Yes, I do love severe randomness.

And for me, Wanda got Cookie Minster™! I love mint chocolate chip. (high fives Storm) Now, what was I going to put here? Oh yeah! Okay, I know Mulan 2 doesn't come out till February '05, but I'm already planning it! Meaning I'm planning who's gonna go with who. ROMY, no frickin' duh (besides, y'all would kill me if I did anything else), JUBBY, and since no one else said anything about Ray and Roberto except EE's Skysong, I'm going with TABAY and…uh…ROMARA? What do you call Roberto/Amara? And no, Ray and Roberto can't go together because The Emperor has 3 daughters that he didn't point out until the sequel! Convenient, eh? But if any of you guys don't feel okee with those pairings, let me know!

Who doesn't know the storyline of Mulan 2? (looks around) Well, I'm telling you anyway! According to my handy dandy mini storybook that came with my DVD (from my good buddy Kimberly for Christmas), 1 month after Mulan saved China from the Huns, Shang proposed to her! (kinda fast, no? But they were soldiers together, so WHATEVER) But the thing is, if Mulan and Shang get married, then Shang's ancestors become her guardians, and poor Mushu doesn't have a job anymore! So he kinda wants to split them up (ooh…bad Pyro…) But more importantly, The Emperor's all like, "Hm, I wanna avoid a clash with the Mongols, so we've decided on an alliance!" Translation: I'm going to make an arranged marriage between my 3 lovely daughters and the Mongol Lord Dude's 3 sons! (I have no clue what they look like, but something tells me I'm gonna have to put Sam in here somehow…and probably end up reusing the Brotherhood…or maybe Piotr…) So Mulan and Shang have to guard the three girls (Jubilee,Tabby,and Amara) while they travel to the Mongols. So, for help, they enlist The Gang! (Bobby, Ray, and Roberto) So then The Girls unexpectedly fall in love with The Gang (and do not tell me you didn't see that coming), so who's gonna uphold the alliance? (cough)MULAN(cough)

Yep, that's basically what happens…well, the cliffhangy stuff gets resolved, and I'm pretty damn sure that it's MULANG (or WHATEVER you call the two) in the end, cuz it's Disney! There're always happy endings!

Oh yeah, for this chappie only: **_La la la_** is the Unimportant Soldier Dudes singing (to tell apart from when Bobby, Ray, Roberto, Rogue, and....Scott....sing)

DISCLAIMER: Does Tabitha call Beast Wild Blue Yonder Boy? Is Jean cooler than Rogue? Is ROTT MTB? (Ew, just look at it…rot plus a t…)

* * *

So the troops were plodding along off to meet General Forge's army, grumbling as usual (only about 10 of the Unimportant Soldier Dudes came back from their trip to Alaska), when they decided to burst into song.

_**For a long time we've been marching off to battle**_

**_In a thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle_**, Bobby sang. Several cows they were passing by mooed at him, clearly offended.

_**Like a pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore**_

Ray ran up to Bobby and Rob (yep, typing out Roberto is just TOO long).

_**Hey! Think of instead, a girl worth fighting for!**_

"Huh?" Rogue said. Apparently, they had all forgotten she was a girl again. Ray put an arm around her shoulders and pulled a scroll of paper out of his armor. Rogue took one look and ran away.

_**That's what I said, a girl worth fighting for!**_

_**I want her paler than the moon **_

On the paper, a girl in a kimono that looked like a drawing of Tabitha giggled, while the characters on the side turned into Ray.

_**With eyes that shine like stars**_

She flipped her fan open, and they kissed behind it. Then they changed into Bobby lifting Jubilee on a piece of wood.

**_My girl will marvel at my strength_**, Bobby sang.

He pulled his jacket open and Jubilee looked through a hole in his torso.

_**Adore my battle scars**_

The picture changed to Rob and Amara sitting in a giant bowl of rice.

_**I couldn't care less what she'll wear **_

**_Or what she looks like_**, Rob sang.

_**It all depends on what she cooks like:**_

_**Beef, pork, chicken, Mmm!**_

A cow and a pig popped up out of the rice, and a chicken came flying down to land in Amara's arms. The scene cut to a sculpture of a cow, a pig, Rob, and Amara holding a chicken. Who knew Rob had Mad Sculpting Skills? Bobby and Rogue walked through a river.

**_Bet the local boys thought you were quite the charmer_**, Bobby sang. Rogue shoved him underwater, and Rob caught a fish that popped up.

**_And I'll bet the ladies love a man in armor_**, Ray sang, walking out of the river with water in his armor, making him look super muscular until all the water spilled out.

_**You can guess what we have missed the most**_

_**Since we went off to war**_

Pyro, who was in the wagon with the cannons, saw the girls picking plants and wolf whistled. "It was in the script, sheila!" he said to Wanda, who glared at him.

**_What do we want?_** Ray sang.

_**A girl worth fighting for!**_

**_My girl will think I have no faults_**, Bobby sang. Rogue walked away from him and bumped into Rob.

**_That I'm a major find_**, Rob sang. Ray joined them, and Rogue rolled her eyes.

_**How about a girl who's got a brain,**_

**_Who always speaks her mind? _**She sang.

"Nah!" Bobby, Ray, and Rob all said in unison. "It's in the script, it's in the script!" Ray said quickly to Tabitha, who looked ready to throw several bombs at them.

_**My manly ways and turn of phrase**_

**_Are sure to thrill her_**, Ray sang. He leaned on the wheel of the wagon.

**_He thinks he's such a lady-killer_**, Bobby sang to Rogue. He slapped Charlie to make him move, and Ray fell over into the mud. Bobby then jumped to avoid an electric bolt from him.

_**I've a girl back home **_

**_Who's unlike any other_**, Scott sang. Badly.

_**Yeah, the only girl who'd love him**_

**_Is his mother_**, Bobby mutter-sang to Rogue. Scott glared at him – not like we can tell.

_**But when we come home in victory **_

_**They'll line up at the door**_

Bobby made ice sculptures of Jubilee, Tabitha, and Amara in slutty poses.

**_What do we want?_** Ray sang, bursting through snow-covered trees…on Rob's shoulders…riiiiiiiiiight.

**_A girl worth fighting for! _**The Unimportant Soldier Dudes sang, pulling Rogue into their singing line.

**_Wish that I had_**, Ray sang…still on Rob's shoulders.

_**A girl worth fighting for!**_

Rogue ducked out of the line, then turned around and walked away from Bobby, Ray, and Rob, whistling. They pulled out huge snowballs (courtesy of Bobby) to throw at Rogue.

_**A girl worth fighting-**_

And they stopped. I still don't get how they didn't see the village until right then, but they didn't. Until right then.

Yep. That village was burnt to ashes. So much for Forge's awesome army. They walked in, nonetheless, very soberly.

"Search for survivors," Remy ordered, even though it was pretty damn obvious that no one could have survived.

Rogue walked through a doorway that could've once been for a house and found a dolly. No, it wasn't the dolly Lance had, the little girl's playing with it somewhere unimportant. It was a different dolly that just happened to look a lot like it.

Remy rode in. "Remy don' understand," he said, looking like he was about to cry. "Mon père should have been here."

"Wow," Forge said offstage. "I didn't know he cared."

"You know," Wanda said. "You're supposed to be dead right – Remy, get off him!"

Remy had tackled Forge. "Don' mess wi' Remy's feelings!" he yelled.

"Rogue?" Kitty said. "Can you, like, get your emotionally unstable boyfriend off Forge?"

"He's not emotionally unstable!" Rogue said.

"He wanted to make us eunuchs!" Bobby, Ray, and Roberto yelled.

"Okay, Ah guess he's pretty unstable," Rogue said.

"Vy'd he get so insulted by vhat Forge said?" Kurt asked.

"He's got some issues with his father," Rogue said.

"Ohhhh," Kurt and Kitty said in unison.

Only, it turned out, for no reason at all, Forge had brought along some of his inventions, one of them being (GASP!) the one that had sent him and Kurt to Middleverse.

And, as coinkydinks go, Remy and Forge rolled around on the floor (Forge was surprisingly holding out pretty well against an emotionally unstable Cajun with awesome muscles), they just so happened to bump into the table the Middleverse invention was on, knocking it to the ground.

And as if things couldn't get any more coinkydinkial, it landed at the EXACT angle that activated the machine.

So, one flash later, Remy and Forge were conspicuously missing, leaving nothing behind but a scattered deck of cards and a tie-dye bandanna.

Rob picked up a Joker card and the bandanna and held them out to Rogue. "The Gambit, and The Genius," he said. **(1)**

* * *

You know those stories where the character gets zapped by a ray or something and ends up in an alternate dimension, except they end up in the sky and have a LONG way to fall, screaming the entire way?

Well, this isn't one of them.

They ended up in an alternate reality.

So, where were we? Oh yes. Remy and Forge popped up in the middle of the sky and immediately started falling, screaming all the way. Except, luckily for them, they actually landed on something other than solid ground.

Well, if you consider landing on a blond dude and a brown-haired dude lucky.

Especially if said blondie and brunette (please take note that they are, in fact, dudes, but I am just teasing them) jumped up and had you either at sword-point or arrow-point.

Right. That's definitely lucky. So the blondie had Remy at arrow-point, and the brunette had Forge at sword-point. Has anybody guessed where they are yet? Oh, and did I mention that said brunette had a shield on his back, and that said blondie had VERY pointy ears?

Oh, and that said blondie had REALLY long blonde hair?

And also that said blondie was notorious for doing flamboyant stunts when all that was really necessary was a small one?

And that said brunette had an odd obsession with gold jewelry?

Does ANYONE know where they are yet?

"Homme, somet'ing tells Remy dis isn't Middleverse," Remy said to Forge.

"Did you say Middle Earth?" the blondie said.

"Non, Remy said-"

"Middle Earth, home of the three races of Man, Elf, and Dwarf?" the blondie continued.

"Non, Remy said – quoi? Elf and Dwarf?" Remy said.

"Yes, Elf and Dwarf. And Man," the blondie said.

"Remy t'inks dis homme is fou dans la tête," Remy whispered to Forge.

"I don't speak French," Forge whispered back.

"Would you stop whispering!" the brunette snapped.

"Sorry, man," Forge said. "Uh, what's with your friend there?" He pointed about the blondie, who was going on about cool stunts that he did, and his Mad Archery Skills, blah, blah, blah…

The brunette shook his head. "Just don't ask him about pirates."

"Did you say pirates?" the blondie said. "I've been a pirate! I'll be one again! The sequel will be coming out soon! And I could've beaten Jack in that fight! He cheated!"

"Hey, you're Legolas!" Forge said suddenly. "Jamie told me about you. He dressed up as you for Halloween." **(2)**

"So dis is Middle Eart'?" Remy said.

"No," the brunette said. "Middle Earth doesn't exist. This is New Zealand."

Remy nodded, then stopped. "Dis is **quoi**?"

"New Zealand," the brunette repeated.

Remy turned to Forge. "Remy t'ough' your invention took y' to Middleverse," he said.

"Remy? Forge?"

Forge shrugged. "It must be broken."

"Remy. Forge."

"So instead it took us to Middle Eart'," Remy said.

"Remy! Forge!"

"Except it totally messed up and took us to New Zealand," Forge said. "This is flipping weird!"

"REMY! FORGE!"

"WHAT?!"

Remy and Forge both sat up. "Hey, since when was I lying down?" Forge said. Then he winced and rubbed his head, where a bruise – and a lump – was forming.

"Hey, take it easy, man!" Kurt said. Kitty had wrapped ice in his tie-dye bandanna and carefully held it to his head.

"What just happened?" Forge asked.

"Well, you and Remy were, like, fighting," Kitty said, nodding over to where Rogue was helping Remy.

"And then you guys bumped into the table vith some of your inventions on it," Kurt said.

"And, like, one of them fell over and hit Remy on the head, and he, like, passed out," Kitty continued.

"And ve think he activated it or something, because then it broke the pole over there," Kurt said, pointing at a still-smoking pole.

"Except the pole was, like, holding up one of those studio lights, and it, like, totally fell and hit you on the head," Kitty finished.

"Oh. That's why my head hurts," Forge said.

"You guys were, like, saying some totally weird stuff, though," Kitty said.

"Ja, something about not speaking French," Kurt said.

"Yeah, and, like, Jamie and Halloween," Kitty added.

Forge glanced over at Remy. They shrugged.

* * *

**(1) **In the movie, Chien-Po gives Shang the helmet and says, "The General," all soberly. That was Rob's terrible attempt at recreating it.

**(2) **Read SickmindedSucker's ficcie Candy and Temptresses and Pirates! Very funny ficcie. Especially Pyro as a firefly.

Mm-hmm. That was an interesting chappie. Also one of my shorter ones…well, I didn't want it to end on a sad note, because I don't like being sad! I don't like crying, either. Next time: The Big Battle! Oh yeah, and Scott finding out that Rogue's a girl, and making this big deal about it; and Lance and the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…popping out of the snow like daisies! I think we have two more chappies left! Unless I really miscalculated or something.

Other movies-wise, I'm thinking of doing KURTTY in Pirates of the Caribbean. What do you guys think about Remy as Captain Jack Sparrow, Scott as Barbossa, Pietro as Commodore Norrington, Beast as Governor Swann, and I think that's all the important people. I'm also thinking of doing KIOTR for Moulin Rouge, and maybe LANCITTY for A Knight's Tale (if I can get my hands on a copy of the DVD – to the DVD/VHS rental store we go!!! As soon as it stops raining.) Whaddya think?


	7. The Avalanche Caused By Avalanche

**..:: The Avalanche Caused By Avalanche ::..**

See the title? Get used to reading that line. I used it a lot in this chappie.

Wheeee! More reviews!! Merci BEAUCOUP to **Thorn**, **Readerrr Grrrl**, **Sangofanatic**, **psychobunny410**, **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, and **heartsyhawk** for reviewing! Oh, but **Sangofanatic**, Remy and Forge passed out and had a crazy dream. But maybe Kurt could mess with one of Forge's inventions and end up sending him to a different dimension…but I'm gonna worry about finishing the movie first. Hey, don't worry, there's always PotC! (my next XME parody) **psychobunny410, **I actually was describing Boromir (the shield and obsession with gold jewelry), but still, you're good! **heartsyhawk**, Shang dies??? SAY WHAT???? Well, Tuck Everlasting was sad, I admit, but it was based off a book, so…yeah. No I don't want Shang to die!! That means I'll have to kill off Remy in the sequel!! (sob) Yeah, I saw both of those movies, Tuck Everlasting almost made me cry! I don't think your kitty cat is a eunuch. I mean, it's normal to spay/neuter your pets. A eunuch applies to only guys, I think.

By the way, since I'm all hyped up about starting PotC next year, I stuck a little of it in here! Who can find it? Wanda and Jamie will go back to Codestone and torture the pimple-covered buck-toothed teen who works there into giving them more ice cream for whoever finds it! Here's a crappy hint: the person that says it is a guy! And that's a crappy hint cuz Rogue's the only girl here! Teehee, I LUVERZ crappy hints!

DISCLAIMER: Is Rogue/anyone besides Remy a good couple? Is Remy/anyone besides Rogue a good couple? Does JOTT **not** deserve to be tortured?

* * *

So they were plodding along, all sadly because of all the dead soldiers they had seen, and the lump on Remy's head had mysteriously healed, go figure, when a cannon shot out of the wagon! GASP! 

Rogue glared back at where Pyro and Jimmy were standing, stunned. Pyro pointed at Jimmy.

Remy rode up to Rogue, looking extremely P.O.'d. "What jus' happened?" he demanded.

"Ah–uh–"

"Y' jus' gave away out position!" Remy yelled. "Now-" An arrow from nowhere sank right into his shoulder. Don't kill me, it hit the armor! But it did knock him off his horsie.

All of a sudden, arrows started raining down on them. They SO should've seen this coming. "Get out o' range!" Remy yelled.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Bobby yelled back.

So then the Hun Archer Dudes got smart and started shooting flaming arrows instead of regular old ones. Of course, some of them ended up setting the wagon on fire. The wagon that happened to have cannons in it. Well, at least Pyro was happy.

"Save th' cannons!" Remy yelled.

"You know, maybe we **should** starting calling him Captain Obvious," Ray said.

So all the soldiers got up in a relay line and started passing cannons down it, while Rob, who was all charged up from the sun, grabbed a ton of them and started running. And Rogue saved Charlie. Of course she had to, no animals can ever be harmed! So anyway, she got on Charlie and started riding away, and then the wagon went KABOOM! So she fell off.

Pyro came flying out of the exploded wagon. "Oh sure, sheila," he said. "Save the horse." Then he fell over into the snow. Rogue picked him up and started running.

Meanwhile, the rest of the soldiers had started firing off cannons, killing off all the Hun archers. (don't worry, Pietro isn't there) So several cannons and big explosions later, Bobby was the one with the last cannon. "Hold th' last cannon," Remy said.

"Yessir, Captain Obvious!" Bobby said.

Then the smoke cleared, and Lance got his dramatic entrance on a very P.O.'d horse. Well, along with Pietro, and Toad, and Fred, and Monkey Dude. Oh, and a ton of Unimportant Hun Dudes.

"Merde," Remy said. "Prepare to figh'. If we die, we die wit' honor."

"Not really," Bobby said.

"Aim de las' cannon at Lance," Remy ordered.

"Fine, fine, pushy," Bobby said, and started aiming the cannon at Lance…VERY slowly.

Rogue looked down at her sword and saw the mountain…and all the nice fresh powder snow…in the reflection. So she sheathed the sword, shoved Bobby over, grabbed the cannon, and ran.

"Chere!" Remy yelled.

After running far enough so that Remy couldn't catch up to her (except he was running pretty slowly), Rogue stopped and aimed the cannon at the mountain. You know, they really should've invented matches back then.

Coinkydinkially, Ross the Falcon swooped down right at that moment and knocked the flint out of her hands. Yep, too bad they didn't have lighters back then.

"Come on!" Bobby said to Ray and Rob. "We gotta help!" And they all drew their swords and ran after Rogue.

Luckily for Rogue, Pyro came running up right then with his trusty lighter. And just as Lance got up to Rogue, Rogue grabbed the lighter and lit the cannon. It went off – going…going…going…going…going…hey, where's it going?

Yeah. Rogue missed. Slick. "Aw, crap," Rogue said.

"Have no fear, Pyro's here!" Pyro said, and created a nice big non-P.O.'d fire horsie, which scared Lance's P.O.'d horsie so that it reared up on its hind legs. Obviously, I don't know horse terms. And Lance fell off.

"Why you little…" Lance said, which is pretty true, seeing as the pyromaniac's only a foot tall; but that's still so biting off The Simpsons. So anyway, the ground started shaking…along with a certain mountain covered in powdery snow…

So Lance looked behind him. "Damnit!" he yelled, pulling out his sword and slashing Rogue across the stomach…No Remy don't hurt him!

Remy stopped mid-let's-kill-Lance-mode, and instead started running away from the avalanche caused by Avalanche. (ironic, isn't it?)

Meanwhile, Bobby and Ray and Rob were all running to help Rogue…and then they saw the avalanche caused by Avalanche. So they turned around and started running as fast as they could for cover.

Charlie broke free and ran up to where Rogue and Remy were. Rogue stopped and jumped on, and almost got Remy on, too. Keyword: almost. So he slipped and went sliding under the avalanche caused by Avalanche…man, that never gets old! Rogue and Charlie went under, too. Oh yeah, and Lance was hitting his P.O.'d horsie with his sword, so the horsie got even more P.O.'d. Except no animals get hurt in this parody, so all the horsies (except Charlie) were mysteriously magically transported to a prettiful green pasture…place. But Lance and the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army all got buried. Boo-hoo.

Bobby, Ray, and Rob were hiding behind a rock, stupidly thinking that the avalanche caused by Avalanche wouldn't sweep them away. Then they realized that it, in fact, **would**, and ran for cover where the Unimportant Soldier Dudes were. Ray tripped and almost didn't make it. Keyword: almost.

"Too bad," Rob said. Ray punched him.

In the meantime, Pyro was having the time of his life surfing down the avalanche caused by Avalanche on a Hun shield. He looked for Rogue, pulled up a Hun, stuckhim back in, and found Jimmy.

Rogue and Charlie burst out of the avalanche caused by Avalanche. How Charlie did it, I do not know. Remy was conveniently floating – unconscious – over the avalanche caused by Avalanche, getting swept away. So Rogue somehow got him on Charlie and found Pyro and Jimmy.

So Bobby, Ray, and Rob had made a little human ladder, with Bobby on the top and Rob (charged up from the sun) on the bottom. Obviously, Ray was in the middle.

"Do you see them?" Rob yelled. "And someone needs to lighten up on the junk food," he added. Ray probably would've punched him if he wasn't struggling holding up Bobby.

"Yeah!" Bobby said, and shot an arrow attached to a string at them. "Perfect! Now I'll pull them to safe-" He went to grab the string, but it slipped through his fingers. Pity.

Then Rogue found the arrow on a string and got a bow somewhere. Then Charlie went tumbling off the edge of the cliff, and Rogue shot the arrow. So while they fell off the cliff, they mysteriously all stayed on the horse, even Remy, who, by all rights of physics, would have been the first to fall off, considering they were falling more or less upside down.

Meanwhile, Bobby was in tears. "I let them slip through my fingers," he sobbed, holding his hands out just in time to catch the arrow. Talk about a convenient coinkydink.

Bobby went sprawling to the edge of the cliff, while Ray and the Unimportant Hun Soldier Dudes jumped on top of him to try to add some weight. Then Rob the Zen Man came and picked them all up in a pile, pulling Mulan, Charlie, Remy, Pyro, and Jimmy back up. Although he dropped Bobby, Ray, and the Unimportant Soldier Dudes very unceremoniously, because he had somehow ended up with Ray's ass in his face. Go figure.

But anyway, Remy had finally regained consciousness. "Chere," he said. "_Tu es la fille la plus folle que j'ai jamais rencontré. Et pour ça, je te dois ma vie_." **(1)**

Rogue smiled while the rest of the soldiers looked at each other and shrugged. Then Rogue fell over and fainted.

"She's wounded!" Remy said.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Bobby snapped. Then he ran off to get a doctor.

**However Long Later…**

Remy paced outside the doctor's tent. Then Beast came out and whispered something to him. "We knew dat already," Remy said.

"Oh," Beast said. "No worries, then."

Meanwhile, Scott had gone in the tent, only to be psychically hurled back out by Rogue temporarily using Jean's powers. "You pervert!" she screamed as she ran out after him.

"She's a girl?" Scott said. Everyone nodded. "I didn't know that!"

"Wow, you're stupid," Ray said.

"…Well, according to the ancient Chinese law, any woman discovered in the army has to be killed, so, ha!"

"You know, that's very sexist!" Jean yelled offstage.

"Yeah, and we're not even in China," Rob said. "Or in the ancient times, either."

Scott pulled Rogue's sword – actually, it was Logan's sword, but the dude doesn't even need a sword cuz he's got three knives per hand, but WHATEVER – and threw it at Remy. However, since he has terrible aim, he nearly cut Ray's head off.

"Pity," Rob said. Ray punched him…again.

So Remy did the whole REALLY DRAMATIC MOMENT where he held the sword high up above his head, and everyone was all, "Oh, hell no!" Then he threw the sword down in front of Rogue. "_Une vie pour une vie_," **(2)** he said. "M' debt is repaid."

"We're not in France!" Bobby yelled, getting thoroughly sick of Remy speaking in French.

"Or New Orleans, or the South," Ray added.

"Or Africa," Rob added. Everyone looked at him weird. "What?" he said. "Africa is the largest French-speaking continent!" **(3) **Trust an over-achiever to know that.

Remy ignored them. "Move out," he said.

"But-" Scott sputtered.

"Remy said, move out."

And everyone moved out. Well, Beast gathered up his tent super-fast and moved offstage, but the point is, everyone left.

**Some More Time Later…**

So Rogue, Pyro, Charlie, and Jimmy were chilling in the snow, moaning about their pitiful lives…well, actually, Pyro was moaning about the loss of his lighter, which Wanda had taken away from him. So all that blah blah blah later, Lance popped out of the snow, looked around, and roared.

I said, he roared.

"Aw, please don't make me!" he whined. "It was bad enough in _Kitty and the Rocktumbler_." **(4)**

Fine. So instead, the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…mysteriously got up at the EXACT SAME TIME, and all found Lance, where they started walking on down to the Imperial City.

"Whoa!" Pyro said. "Did you see that, sheila? They popped out of the snow! Like daisies! I wanna make fire daisies," he whined.

Rogue ignored his last comment. "Fahne," she said. "Let's just go down to the Imperial City and get this ovah with." So they all got back on Charlie and rode down to the Imperial City.

* * *

**(1) **"You are the craziest girl I've ever met. And for that, I owe you my life." 

**(2) **"A life for a life."

**(3) **That's a real fact! It was the second thing out of my French 1 teacher's mouth. Well, actually, he was the Head French Teacher, trying to recruit 8th graders to go across the street to learn French at the High School. Needless to say, I was one of those recruits. Well, there were only about 7 people learning Spanish in the whole school, too.

**(4)** A wonderful, excellent, hilariousficcie by **todd fan**. I think you've all read it. If not, Go! Read it! NOW! Well, review first.

And I translated the French stuff all by myself! Well, I had to use worldlingo(dot)com to find the word for 'met', and I checked the translations on there, but the rest was all me! Not bad for a 13 year-old freshman in a sophomore French 2 class, eh? Actually, to be fair, there are 3 frosh in the class, counting me, and probably a number not-too-far-under-30 sophomores. But I'm the youngest! I'm supposed to be in the 8th grade! (nods sagely)

Anyway, how was that? I'm very bad at writing action, just so you know. Ugh, doing the swordfights in PotC is gonna be a nightmare! But anything for Kurt and Remy as pirates! BTW, did ya find the little PotC line I snuck in there? Please review! Merci beaucoup! Hey, that rhymes! Teehee. XD


	8. The End, Sort Of

**..:: The End…Sort Of ::..**

HAPPY 2005 EVERYBODY!!!!! Bad news: I gotta go back to school tomorrow! Blech!

Thank you to **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, **Readerrr Grrrl**, **todd fan**, **EE's Skysong**, **Sangofanatic**, **psychobunny410**, **heartsyhawk**, and **DragonMaster02 **for reviewing!!!!

No one gets ice cream! No one found the PotC line…that makes me sad. Sorry, **heartsyhawk**, it wasn't the Captain Obvious line. Don't cry **psychobunny410**! You guys all have another chance, don't worry…NO DON'T GO LOOKING YET! I left a nice BIG FAT HINT at the end of this chappie. Hm, **EE's Skysong**, I'm thinking…I really am! Remy seems cool, but FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS CHEESY, don't use him!! He can pull off Sexy Archer, or Sexy Ranger Who Will Be King. I recommend Sexy Archer better, though. Especially since then he'd get to be a Sexy Elf! But back to Frodo…personally, I'd cast him second to last. Fellowship-wise, I'd worry about Aragorn (leader dude, has a girlfriend…very crucial), Legolas (you know my opinion about that already), Gimli (he and Legolas become buddies, so…), Boromir (he dies, BUT he becomes obsessed with gold jewelry, plus his lil bro becomes important later…OH THAT IS SO PIMP I JUST GOT AN IDEA FOR WHO THAT COULD BE!), Gandalf (wizard dude, former leader…need I say more?), Pippin (he and Merry are best buds, but Pippin is the funnier one), Merry (see Pippin's), THEN see who's left for Frodo. Cuz Frodo suffers BIG TIME, (sniff) I feel so bad for him! But Sam's easy, whoever's a good buddy of whoever's Frodo…wait! Sam! Sam can be Sam! LoLz…But then that'd make Bobby Frodo, probably…hey, it could work! I dunno…I'm rambling here…moving on!

DISCLAIMER: Does Evan like Shakespeare? Will Toad ever give up on Wanda? (poor dude) Will Scott ever get that pole out of his ass?

* * *

So, where did we leave off? Oh yeah. Rogue and Pyro and Jimmy and Charlie went riding down to the Imperial City, where we all know Lance, Pietro, Toad, Fred, and Mastermind were hiding somewhere…

But anyway, Rogue rode RIGHT into the parade (how come no one kicked her out of it?) and started arguing with Remy.

"The Huns are here," she said.

"Where?" Remy demanded, pulling out his sword. "Remy'll kill dem!"

"Okay, Remy, you're supposed to ARGUE with her and IGNORE her," Wanda said.

"Ouai, but dat's borin'!"

"Besides, the only one who really cares about her being a girl is Scott," Bobby pointed out, jerking his thumb at said Scott, who was looking very uncomfortable on his horse, considering the whole pole-up-his-ass thing.

Well, so Rogue got out of the parade cuz a REALLY RUDE DUDE kicked her out of it, and the soldiers got to The Spyke. Remy knelt. "Remy presents to y' the sword of…Lance," he said. Yeah, that really doesn't sound that impressive.

"I know what this means to you, Captain Remy," Evan said. "Well, actually, I don't."

"Just say your damn lines!" Wanda snapped.

"I'm sure your father would be very proud," Evan said.

Offstage, Forge was sniffling. "That's my groovy boy!" he said, dabbing at his eyes with his tie-dye bandanna. Everyone within a ten foot radius of him was backing away slowly.

"…Riiiiiiiiight," Evan said when he saw Forge. He went totake the sword when Ross came swooping down and grabbed it, soaring away. He flew up past the rooftops where some gargoyles were sitting, and dropped it. And guess what? Lance actually caught it. What are the odds of that? I mean, he wasn't even looking at the thing!

"I told you that last gargoyle looked too skinny!" An Unimportant Celebrating Dude said to his friend, Another Unimportant Celebrating Dude.

So anyway, Pietro, Fred, Toad, and Monkey Dude burst out of the dragon thingie (I seriously cannot remember the name for it right now. Pathetic, no?) with lots of "Rrrawrrr!"s, etc.

Remy tried to fight Fred, but, come on, the dude's huge, there's not much you can do. Needless to say, he got knocked over. So Fred picked up The Spyke and ran in, while Toad and Monkey Dude closed the doors and Pietro threatened people unnecessarily with his bow and arrow as he backed inside.

Remy got up, saw the doors closing, and ran after them. Behind the dragon, Bobby, Ray, Rob and the Unimportant Soldier Dudes started running up the stairs after them. Talk about slow reactions. Of course they all got there too late, although Remy did slam his fist into the door – not like that did anything except give Remy a sore fist, poor dude.

Well, anyway, Lance started cackling like an evil maniac…oh wait, he is one. "Ahahahahaha – (cough splutter hack) Muhahaha!"

"Totally pathetic," Mystique said, popping in for a brief cameo as Simon the judge from American Idol…complete with the Brit accent and crossed arms and I'm-better-than-you look.

Then Remy got a REALLY stupid idea. He and the other soldiers thought that if they could ram a giant stone P.O.'d lion against the doors, then they would open! That was a REALLY stupid idea.

Rogue came running up to them. "They'll nevah reach The Spahke in tahme," she said. "Unless…" She whistled. "Hey guys! Ah have an ahdea." Bobby, Ray, and Rob all looked at each other, dropped the statue, and followed Rogue immediately.

**!WARNING!** THE REST OF THE STORY WILL BE FEATURING BOBBY, RAY, AND ROB IN MIDDLE AGE CHINA DRAG. TRANSLATION: BOBBY, RAY, AND ROB WILL NOW BE DRESING UP AS KIMONO-CLAD, FACE-PAINTED CONCUBINES. DON'T LIKE…WELL, TOO BAD!

So Ray did this unnecessary flippy thing with his sword, and handed it to Rogue. Bobby and Rob took off their armor, and gave it to Rogue, who led them over to Some Place I Don't Know.

Then Rogue came out with something resembling a hand gun (bear with me, I honestly don't know what the thing's called) and cotton swabs…you'd think Bobby, Ray, and Rob would understand what was going on by now. Well, actually, Ray did, considering he's been through that before, but Bobby and Rob didn't have a clue. Ray cracked up insanely as Rogue tied Bobby to a chair, and he tied Rob to the other chair. Rogue wiped the wet cotton swab on their ears, and Ray just started laughing like a maniac. Maybe Bobby and Rob were super-thick in the head or something…or at least, Bobby was. At any rate, these were the exact words out of his mouth: "Hey! What's with the watery cotton ball?" Well, maybe Rob could smell the rubbing alcohol, because he at least started thrashing, which cued more insane laughter from Ray. Then Rogue picked up the gun. "Hold still, now," she said to Bobby, and put the gun to his ear.

Have you ever seen any of those horror movies where the killer moves in on his victim with his weapon in his hand, and the victim got a terrified look on her face? And then the screen goes dark, and you don't see anything, but there's this piercing scream that makes you jump and spill all your popcorn? **(1)**

Well, Bobby and Rob sure aren't girls, but the four super-shrill screams…followed by insane cackling that could rival Pyro's…that Evan, Lance, Pietro, Fred, Toad, and Monkey Dude heard definitely didn't come from Rogue.

"Sissies," Pietro said.

Moving on! To half an hour later, when Bobby, Rob, and Ray finally calmed down and got dressed.

_**Be a man!**_

So Bobby, Ray, and Roberto had their faces hidden behind fans. Then they all closed them at the exact same time and struck the same poses. Well, Ray was facing to the left, and Bobby was facing to the right, and Rob was facing center, but they were all sticking their chests out (since it would be the only time they would ever have anything TO stick out – unless they learned how to make their pecs dance or something, which I find repulsing) and had Tough Man glares on their faces.

Let's look at this from right to left, just to make things weird. First: Bobby. He was wearing a red kimono, with a pink dress underneath, plain round orange earrings, and an orange sash. He also had a brown wig that matched his regular hair color up in a bun and tied with a red scrunchie. Actually, they all had their hair up in buns, because I'm too lazy to do anything else to them. His face was entirely white, except for blush on his cheeks and red lipstick. And blue eye shadow. They actually all the same makeup, except the eye shadow was in different shades. Oh yeah, and he had oranges for boobs.

Now Roberto. He was wearing a blue kimono, with a baby blue dress underneath, big round blue earrings, and a baby blue sash. And he had nectarines for boobs. And Ray was wearing a tannish-yellowish kimono with a yellow dress underneath, and a pale yellow sash, and flat yellow oval-shaped disk earrings, and he had apples for boobs. Except he must've been wearing the wrong bra or something, cuz the apple actually came out of it, traveled around to closer to his left shoulder, and settled back in. **(2) **Weird, I tell ya.

_**We must be swift as a coursing river**_

_**(Be a man)**_

Rogue, Bobby, Rob, and Ray walked up to some conveniently located pillars and whipped out their sashes with a, well, whipping noise. Ray did this with a hand on his hip, however. Methinks he's enjoying this a wee bit too much. Well, anyway, they looped the sashes around their own pillars.

_**With all the force of a great typhoon**_

_**(Be a man)**_

_**With all the strength of a raging fire**_

Someone tapped Rogue on the shoulder, and she turned around with an "Oh, shit!" look on her face. But it was only Remy (NOT in Middle Age China drag, thankfully). He took off his fanciful cape and wrapped it around his own pillar. And they all started climbing. Don't ask me how sashes can hold their weight.

_**Mysterious as the dark side of the moon**_

**On A Balcony Of The Palace…**

Fred dragged Evan out to a balcony thingie where everyone could see him. Lance hung upside down on the roof so that he popped up in Evan's face. "Boo!" he yelled.

"AHHHHH! KILL IT!!" Evan yelled, jumping back and shooting out spikes at Lance's upside-down face.

Lance screamed like a little girl and fell off the roof, missed grabbing the railing, and plummeted to the ground to certain death.

Well, Jean actually did something nice for once and stopped him midair telekinetically, and put him back on the balcony.

"Guard the doors," Lance said to Pietro, Fred, Toad, and Monkey Dude, who went scurrying out. Well, they didn't scurry; Pietro zoomed, Toad hopped, Fred sorta waddled, and Monkey Dude stalked off in the best I'm-not-a-monkey walk he could do.

"Your walls and armies have fallen," Lance said. "And now it's your turn. Damn, thisguy sounds stupid," he said.

"Tell me about it," Evan said.

**Outside The Balcony Thing, In The Hallway…**

Fred closed the door and looked around, not like he really needed to. In an adjacent corridor, Rogue peeked out at them, then pulled her head back. Bobby was busy adjusting the oranges in his bra. "Okay, any questions?" Rogue said.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Bobby asked. Rogue slapped him. "Ow! It was just a question…"

So then Rogue, Bobby, Ray, and Rob walked out giggling and such, with their faces half hidden behind fans. Bobby tripped over his kimono, but other than that they did pretty well. "Who's-there?" Pietro demanded, fitting an arrow in his bow.

"Concubines, yo," Toad said.

"Ugly concubines," Fred added.

Bobby, Ray, and Rob stopped in front of them, giggling and waving. "Oh, he's so cute!" Ray said. Let us all hope that he was at least talking about Pietro.

Toad waved back, and Fred elbowed him, accidentally sending him smashing into the wall. "Oops," Fred said.

An apple fell out of Ray's kimono (yup, he's definitely wearing the wrong bra) and rolled over to Toad. He covered up by turning to the side, smiling sweetly, and fanning himself some more. Ick.

Meanwhile, in yet another adjacent corridor, Remy peeked out in time to see Ross notice him. "Merde," he muttered.

Ross started to screech, just in time to get all his feathers flamed off by Pyro and his handy-dandy lighter. "Now that's what Oy call Mongolian barbecue," he said to Jimmy.

Toad got up and handed the apple back to Ray with a really dorky smile. Then Ray pulled out his other apple, while Bobby and Rob pulled out their oranges and nectarines.

Rob smashed his nectarines on Fred's head (effectively messing up his Mohawk), and then smashed his head against the wall, knocking him out. Ray shoved his apple into Toad's mouth, tripped him, and then knocked him out with the cement-breaking trick he had perfected oh so well at training camp. Bobby blacked two punches from Monkey Dude, then grabbed his arm and flipped him over his head.

Rogue kicked aside Pietro's bow and arrow, punched him in the chin, elbowed him in the solar plexus **(3)**, tackled him, and held his head up with his bow. Wow, that's a lot. "Remy, go!" she yelled.

And Remy went, running past the fallen Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…and shoving the doors open.

"I tire of your arrogance, old man!" Lance yelled, pointing his sword at Spyke.

"Dude, you're older than me," Spyke pointed out.

"Well, then…respect your elders!" Lance yelled. "Bow to me!"

"No matter how the wind howls," Evan said sagely. "The mountain cannot bow to it."

Lance rolled his eyes. "Then you will kneel in pieces!" he yelled, bringing his sword up as if to cut Evan's head off. Of course, Remy intercepted with his own sword just in time. Evan just moved out of the way all sagely…again.

Remy knocked Lance's sword out of his grasp, then kicked him in the chin, sending him slamming against a conveniently located pillar. He lunged at him with his sword, but Lance grabbed his arm and flung him out, intending to fling him out where he would fall into the crowd with a splat. But Remy grabbed the conveniently located pillar, swung around, and kicked Lance in the face, knocking him to the floor.

Remy tackled him and punched him in the face, but Lance grabbed him by the throat and knocked him over so he was on top. But Remy punched him in the chin…again…and rolled over twice so that Lance was face down on the floor with his arm twisted behind him.

Rogue, Bobby, Ray, and Rob came running in. Took them forever, man. "Roberto, get The Spahke!" Rogue said.

"Sorry, Your Majesty," Rob said, looking like he was gonna crack up, then picked up Evan and went swinging down on the string with his sash.

Lance looked up in time to see Rob and Evan go sailing down, going…going…lost in the crowd. "No!" Lance yelled, now very P.O.'d.

**!WARNING! **THE FOLLOWING SCENE FEATURES REMY GETTING HIS ASS KICKED BY LANCE. NOW, BEFORE YOU ALL DRAW YOUR POINTY OBJECTS AND CHARGE LANCE, LET ME REMIND YOU THAT THIS WAS IN THE SCRIPT, AND REMY WOULD TYPICALLY WIN IN A REAL-LIFE SCENARIO. FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO SEE REMY GETTING HIS ASS KICKED, PLEASE SCROLL DOWN AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN UNTIL YOU SEE ANOTHER LINE ALL IN CAPITALS.

Lance elbowed Remy in the face, then headbutted him. (Ouch) Rogue, who was chilling hear the pole with her sash around the string, flinched. Lance then picked up Remy and threw him on the ground, where he bounced like a little dolly and lay motionless.

Meanwhile, Bobby and Ray had slid down the string. "Come on!" Bobby yelled at Rogue. She glanced down at Remy, who looked like a broken doll, then at Lance's sword, then at Lance who was walking towards her. She grabbed the sword and did a heroic/stupid thing: she cut the string. So the string fell to the ground and everyone cheered.

Lance scanned the crowd for The Spyke. He didn't find him, which is kinda odd. I mean, you'd think that three dudes dressed up in Middle Age China drag and a black dude with blonde hair would be pretty conspicuous, but whatever. Maybe it had something to do with Michael Jackson running around the crowd, giggling his fake nose off.

So anyway, Lance got REALLY P.O.'d, grabbed his sword from the pole, completely ignored Rogue, and went after Remy again. Remy pulled up a dagger from somewhere, but Lance kicked it aside. "You," he said, and punched him in the face with the hand holding the sword. How he did that without stabbing/slicing/cutting Remy in any way, I do not know. He grabbed Remy by his fanciful cape. "You took away my victory!" he pulled his sword back to stab Remy.

**!WAZZUP! **ANYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE REMY BRIEFLY GET HIS ASS KICKED CAN LOOK NOW.

"No!" Rogue did another heroic/stupid thing: she threw her shoe at Lance. It bounced off the back of his head and conveniently landed near her. However, Lance went flying past Remy to land heavily on the ground, considering Rogue's footwear. "Ah did."

"Oh yeah," Lance said, remembering. He then completely ignored Remy and went after Rogue.

"Wait wait wait!" Rogue yelled as she put her shoe back on. Lance waited patiently. "Okay, go!" And Rogue took off. Lance rolled his eyes, but went charging after her.

Rogue ran out the doors, closing them and bolting them behind her. Lance pounded against the door, then sent his fist straight through it. Rogue went running down the hallway, Pyro and Jimmy following her on a now-featherless Ross. "So, sheila," Pyro said. "What's the plan?"

"Uh…" Rogue said.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN???"

"Hey, Ah'm just making this up as Ah go…" Rogue stopped as they passed by a window. Through it, they could see the fireworks tower. "Pyro," she said.

"Way ahead of ya, sheila," Pyro said. "Jimmy, let's go!" And he grabbed Jimmy and jumped on a conveniently located kite, riding it towards the tower.

Lance finally punched his way through the door. (although why he didn't use his sword, I have no clue.)

"You mean I could've used my sword instead?" Lance demanded.

Duh.

Lance growled, but went running after Rogue. After trying and failing to climb two pillars, Rogue scrambled up one just as Lance slashed it with his sword, so that it crashed through the wall and landed pointing out right underneath a conveniently located roof. Lance started climbing out onto the fallen pillar, and Rogue jumped up on the roof.

**Meanwhile, At The Fireworks Tower…**

"Citizens, Oy need foyrepower!" Pyro said.

The two Unimportant Firework Dudes turned around. "Who're you?" One Unimportant Firework Dude asked.

"Your worst noyghtmare," Pyro said.

"Well, actually, my worst nightmare involves Care Bears," One Unimportant Firework Dude said. Mystique then popped up and turned into a Care Bear.

"AHHHHHHH!" And the Unimportant Firework Dudes, along with Mystique, jumped out of the tower.

Rogue climbed up onto the beam at the top of the roof, looked at the tower, and backed up a little…a little more…

And Lance popped out. Rogue turned around, gasped, and backed up the other way, searching in her skirt pocket (or SOMETHING like that), and pulled out a fan.

"It looks like you're out of ideas," Lance said. He lunged at her with the sword. It went through the fan. Talk about bad aim.

Rogue twisted the fan so the sword flew out of his grip and pointed it at him. "Not quahte," she said. "Ready, Pahro?"

"Oy am ready, sheila!" Pyro yelled from the other end of the roof. He had a huge firework rocket thingie strapped to his back. He used his lighter to light himself.

Lance tried one last attempt to kill Rogue, and failed miserably. Rogue tripped him so he landed on his back, then stuck his sword through his vest so he was stuck to the roof.

Pyro and the rocket went off. Lance got up and tried to jump, but his vest was stuck to the roof. So instead of doing the smart thing and taking the vest off, he just stared at the approaching rocket. "Aw, crap," he said.

The rocket blasted him over toward the fireworks tower. Mulan grabbed Pyro, who had held on to Lance sword as they zoomed by, and ran off the roof. "Get off the roof, get off the roof, get off the roof…" We know!

Lance slammed into the fireworks tower. Poor dude. Well, anyway, Rogue jumped off the roof, grabbed a lantern (letting go of Pyro in the process), and went sailing down, letting go just in time to tackle Remy on the stairs. Awwwwwwww……

Remy gave her a look that said, "Did you HAVE to land on me?"

Rogue gave him a look that said, "I had to use SOMETHING as a cushion."

And then Lance's sword fell right in front of them.

Meanwhile, Pyro landed, did a backflip, and landed on his ass, laughing insanely the whole time. But if it was because of Lance's demise or because of the lovely fire, we may never know. He caught Jimmy and put out a flame on one of his antennae. "You are one lucky bug, mate," he said.

So then all the fireworks went off at once, and everyone cheered…YAY!

Well, not EVERYONE. "That was a deliberate attempt on my life!" Scott yelled. Although I can't understand why Scott thinks his life is important enough for anyone to try to end in the first place.

Remy, Bobby, Ray, and Rob all stood in front of Rogue. "Stand aside!" Scott yelled.

"She's a hero," Remy said.

"She's a woman," Scott said. "It's in the script!" he added at Jean, who looked ready to kill him.

"Listen," Remy said. "You pompous-" Here he typically would have gone off into a stream of French curses, but seeing as I only know a few (my new French 2 teacher won't teach us ANY other than _zut_, which was one of the first French words out of my French 1 teacher's mouth – which is a very good way to keep a class interested in learning a language) – _zut, zut alors, merde, je ne veux pas, va t'en merde, chauffeuse, chienne, salope, casse-pieds, ta mere, enfer, baiseur, baiseur de mere_ – Evan is going to come out of the Palace, just like he did in the movie. Although I don't understand how he got through the crowd and up to his Palace again in that short amount of time, but WHATEVER.

"Enough!" Evan said.

"Your Majesty," Remy said. "Remy can explain-" Evan gestured for him to move aside, and they all did. Rogue walked forward and bowed.

"I've heard a great deal about you, Howlett Rogue," Evan said, still in sage mode. "Okay, that just sounds weird," he said. "You stole your father's armor ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer-" Remy, Bobby, Ray, and Rob flinched. "-dishonored the Chinese army, destroyed my palace, and-" Rogue flinched. "You have saved us all."

Rogue glanced up at him, shocked. Evan bowed. Scott looked at him, did a double take, and flopped to the ground. So did Remy, Bobby, Ray, and Rob, only more gracefully and reverently, and without the double take. Rogue looked around, and everyone was bowing. Look, they're doing the bow-wave! Cool!

Pyro, sitting on Charlie (who was also bowing), was sniffling. "Moy baby's all grown up and saving Choyna!" He sniffled some more. "Do you have a tissue, mate?"

"Scott," Evan said after he got back up.

Scott was back in kiss-ass mode. "Your Excellency?"

"See to it that Rogue is made a member of my council," Evan said.

"Wha-?" Scott stuttered. "But – there are no council positions open, You Majesty."

"Very well," Evan said, STILL in sage mode. "You can have his job," he said to Rogue, jerking his head at Scott.

Scott fainted.

"With all due respect, Your Excellency," Rogue said. "Ah think Ah've been away from home long enough."

"Then take this," Evan said, putting a necklace with his crest on it around her neck. "So your family will know what you have done for me. And this," he added, giving her Lance's sword. "So the world will know what you have done for China."

Rogue just stared…then gave Evan a big hug.

"…Is she allowed to do that?" Bobby asked. Remy, Ray, and Rob shrugged.

Rogue walked over to Bobby, Ray, and Rob, who also gave her a big hug. Bobby started crying, and Ray pulled a handkerchief out of his kimono (ew…did he stick that in his bra???) for him to use.

Rogue walked over to Remy, who looked REALLY nervous. "Um…" Remy said. "Y' – y' fight good," he said. Okay, Remy, we know your English is bad, but it's not THAT bad.

"Oh," Rogue said to Remy, clearly disappointed. "Thank you."

"Totally pathetic," Mystique said, as Simon…again.

Roguewalked pastRemy and got on Charlie. "Charlie," she said. "Let's go home."

And Charlie rode down the stairs, and everyone cheered again. YAY!

Evan walked up to where Remy was. "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all," he said sagely.

"Monsieur?" Remy said.

"You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty," Evan said, finally snapping out of sage mode. Then he grabbed his skateboard and boarded his way down the stairs, doing tricks and stuff as he jumped over them. Obviously, I don't know very much at all about skateboarding. So sue me.

**Back At Rogue's House…**

Logan was sitting on the stone bench in the garden, looking all sad, when Rogue finally got home. Logan didn't see her coming until she was two feet away from him. Yup, he's losing his touch. "Stripes!" he said.

Rogue knelt and bowed in front of him. "Father," she said. "Ah brought you the sword of…Lance." She handed it to him, then took off the necklace and gave it to him too. "And the crest of The Spahke. They're gifts to honor the Howlett family."

Logan dropped the gifts and gave Rogue a hug. "The greatest gift and honor is having you for a daughter," he said.

Ororo and Kitty stopped in the doorway of the garden. Ororo sighed happily, while Kitty put her hands on her hips. "She, like, brings home a sword," she said. "If you, like, ask me, she totally should've brought home a ma-"

"Excusez-moi." Remy interrupted her. "Does Howlett Rogue live here?" Ororo and Kitty pointed into the garden. "Merci."

"Wow!" Kitty said. "Like, sign me up for the next war!"

"But Lance's dead, Kurt's your ancestor, and Piotr's not even in this," Ororo said.

"Damn," Kitty said.

Meanwhile, Remy walked up to Logan, not even noticing that Rogue was there. "Honorable Howlett Logan," he said. "Remy – Rogue!" he said, interrupting himself as he finally noticed Rogue there. "Uh…y' forgot y' helmet," he said, holding it out to her. "W-Well, actually, it's y' helmet," he stuttered, holding it out to Logan instead.

Rogue walked up to him and took the helmet. "Would yah lahke to stay for dinner?" she asked.

"Would you like to stay for, like, ever?" Kitty called out.

"Forever would be great," Remy said. –SNIKT!- "Uh…Remy mean…**dinner** would be great." Logan growled at him, and they all walked inside.

**Back In The Ancestors Temple…**

Kurt sighed. "Ah," he said. "Liebe." **(4)**

Pyro popped up next to him. "Come on, who did a good job, mate?" he asked, tugging on Kurt's ear.

Kurt yanked his ear away. "Oh, alright," he said. "You can be a guardian again."

"YES!" Pyro yelled, jumping around with his lighter, cackling insanely, setting the ancestors temple on fire…

Wait a minute. What was that last one?

"PYRO!" Kurt bellowed.

And cue 98° and Stevie Wonder.

!THE END!

…Or is it?

* * *

**(1)** I've actually never seen a movie like that. I'm a big chicken! MOO! (Anyone ever seen the movie Goodburger?) But I did have a crazy dream exactly like that sort of scenario…except the serial killer was an evil version of Puss In Boots…and I was watching it on a T.V. and cracking up like crazy…weird dream, I tell ya.

**(2) **It does that in the movie, I am dead serious, go watch that scene if you don't believe me.

**(3) **A complex of nerves at the pit of your stomach. Everyone, SING with me! **S**olar plexus, **I**nstep, **N**ose, **G**roin!

**(4) **That's German for love. Well, according to my online translator.

Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Just kidding! I expect you all to review. I will respond to them in the next chappie.

I know what you're thinking: but the movie's over! Yes, it is, but I'm making another chappie that has NOTHING to do with Mulan. It will be a little chappie that will explain who's who in PotC. KURTTY!!! KURTTY KURTTY KURTTY!!!!!! You have been warned!

So, please review! Please, even if you're not a KURTTY fan, read my PotC ficcie when I make it. Or give it a chance. They don't even hook up until the VERY LAST CHAPPIE, anyway!! And I shall torture them both as much as possible! That's what you get when you're the main character! Muhahahahahahaha!!!!!

I was gonna say something else, but I forgot! Oh well! Please review!!!!!

Wait, I remembered what I was gonna say! If anyone wants to know the translation of those French curses, you have 2 choices: **1. **You can copy and paste into an online translator, OR **2. **You can ask me for the translations in your review. I don't recommend the first one, cuz I just tried it on mine, and it came out with some different stuff. So go ahead and ask me if you're curious!

Oh yes: No one's found my PotC bit in Chappie 7?? What is wrong with you people??? LoLz j/k. Here's a BIG FAT HINT: It's not said by a main character! The people I consider main characters are the following: Rogue, Remy, Lance, Bobby, Ray, Rob. Here's another BIG FAT HINT: Captain Jack Sparrow says it in the movie, it's a wonderful line, it's not when Jack's captured in any way, it's almost right before one of his ingenious ideas. So go ahead and try searching again if you want ice cream!!

That's all for now!! Please review!!!!


	9. An Epilogue AND A Prologue

**..:: An Epilogue AND A Prologue ::..**

Wow! I got 8 reviews!! Thank you to **Chica De Los Ojos Cafe**, **Readerrr Grrrl**, **heartsyhawk**, **todd fan**, **Sangofanatic**, **psychobunny410**, **EE's Skysong**, and **Thorn **for reviewing!

I'm SO sorry it took forever to update! But Winter Break is over (sob), and I'm back in school, so updates will come slower. Especially this month, since the Dance teacher is throwing us rehearsals left and right (the last two weeks of January we're performing for the school). But in February, things SHOULD lighten up.

I'm sorry to say that Mulan is done. But here's a nice little random Epilogue to Mulan and Prologue to PotC! Or should I say, Mutants of the Caribbean!

Okay, okay, okay, the title sucks. Help me and send in a better one!

* * *

"So," Pietro said. "Is-Lance-really-dead?" 

Yes.

"YES!" Scott said, punching the air.

But I will now use my Divine Intervention powers to bring him back to life.

And wouldn't you know, Lance popped up out of nowhere.

"Damn!" Scott said.

Lance then caused a rift to open up in the studio, and Scott fell in, screaming the whole time…

Aw, crap, that was just a daydream?

So then Pryo was re-grown to his usual height, and he got to keep the lighter as a gift.

"BAD IDEA!" Remy and Piotr yelled.

Don't worry, it's a magic lighter. Things can catch fire, but they won't actually **burn**.

"…Really?" Pyro said.

Really really.

Pyro then freaked Jean out by setting her hair and eyebrows on fire, even though it didn't really burn.

"Too bad," Rogue added.

I agree. Well, everyone's back, alive and well, and Mulan is officially finished.

"Well, Ah'm glad that's over," Rogue said, and they all started walking out.

Where do you think you're going?

"Home," Wanda said, as if stating the obvious…which she was.

I don't think so.

"WHAT?"

Well, I promised my reviewers a PotC parody.

"Not-our-problem," Pietro said.

Oh, I think it is. You see, they are VERY powerful fanficcie writers. You wouldn't want to anger them.

"Why?" Lance asked.

Well, they have the power to write any type of fanfiction.

"**Any** type?" Kurt said.

Oh, yes. They could torture you all beyond insanity if they wanted. Or they could write…

"Like, what?" Kitty asked.

AROTT ficcie. Or SCOGUE. Whatever you call it. Either way, they can.

Rogue and Scott looked visibly shaken.

Or a JEMY ficcie.

Jean shrieked and fainted, and Remy looked ready to kill.

Or even…

"What?" Evan gulped.

Slash beyond imagination.

"Vhat?" Kurt said, just as Jean regained consciousness.

An all-out KODD, EVIETRO, SCANCE, REMIOTR, ROBERTAY, JOHBBY, JOGUE, LOGERTOOTH, CHARLETO, TABILEE, RAHMARA, WANDITTY, ORORIQUE, BEASON, FRAM, JAMIE shipfest!!! **(1)**

The Authoress was then nearly deafened by the screams that erupted. Guess whose scream broke the window. Yup. You got it. Maybe having a pole way up one's ass gives one a nice soprano shriek.

So we are all going to work together, yes?

"Yes," they all mumbled, glancing at their significant slash-fest others with complete horror and disgust. Well, except for Jamie, who was just very careful not to bump into anything.

Good. Now, as we all know, the next parody will be PotC. So, by popular demand, Captain Jack Sparrow will be played by Remy LeBeau. Since this is a KURTTY fic, Will Turner will be played by, of course, Kurt Wagner, and Elizabeth Swann will be played by Kitty Pryde. Oh, and Lance and Piotr and not going to be in this ficcie at all.

"Why?" Lance said.

Well, I thought you'd you'd appreciate the break, since I killed you off in this one. And Piotr will be starring in the next parody after this one. Maybe. Depending on when this ficcie finishes. (Mulan 2 comes out in February, and I cannot wait to do a parody on that. ROMY forever!) Okay, so Barbossa will be played by Magneto, cuz he's an old dude, and I either didn't want to kill any possible candidates off, or I deemed them uncool enough to be Barbossa. I'm not saying Magneto's cool, he's just got the whole evil vibe, you know? So then Commodore Norrington will be played Pietro-

"WHAT?!"

Well, you've already got the white hair for it. Plus, if I remember correctly, you and Magneto will never be in the same scene together, so it all works out. Anywayz, so then Governor Swann will be played by Beast, Ragetti will be played by Scott because he only has one eye-

"I have two eyes!"

Well, you should have thought of that before you named yourself **Cyclops**! So Pintell will be Evan, because I don't want to put anyone else with Scott (actually, no one deserves to be his ishbuddy, but SOMEONE has to go with him, and most people dislike Evan, to put it lightly), The Skinny Idiotic Soldier Dude (whose name I am too lazy to look up right now) will be played by Bobby, The Not-So-Skinny Idiotic Soldier Dude (aKa The Soldier Dude Who Gets Pooped On By Cotton's Parrot) will be played by Sam – don't worry, I WILL look these names up eventually, I'm just too lazy to right now – Mr. Gibbs will be played by Logan, Cotton will be played by Sabertooth, The Pirate Lady (see explanation for Sam and Bobby) will be played by Rogue, and I think that's all the important people.

Oh wait, Scarlett and Giselle will be played by Jean and Tabitha, Jean only because it's like a ten second role, plus I don't think anyone would appreciate me casting Rogue as a Tortugian whore. I have no clue if that's how you spell someone from Tortuga.

Oh, and Cotton's Parrot will be played by Polly the Parrot, who is actually male. Don't ask. And for future info, I always have animal OCs.

And more mutants will probably be given walk-on roles (whatever that means) as I realize that more need to be cast. You know, random extras I can reuse. The Soldiers and The Cursed Pirates and The Pirates From Tortuga will probably be played by Jamie's many multiples, only with different costumes and makeup. The real Jamie will be The Midget Pirate, cuz...yeah. Oh, and Toad Lieutenant Gillette, the only other soldier with a mentioned name,because (1) he lives through the whole movie, and (2) the name is not only mentioned, but also hilarious! Gillette…yes, I know, I'm immature. So sue me.

Oh yeah, and Forge will be The Director.

Yep, very short chappie. I know. But this is just an incredibly random prologue/epilogue thingie introducing the cast of PotC. A more organized list of the cast (which will be included in the first chappie of PotC) is this:

Director – Forge

Captain Jack Sparrow – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Will Turner – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler

Elizabeth Swann – Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Barbossa – Eric Magnus Lensherr / Magneto

Commodore Norrington – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Governor Swann – Hank McCoy / Beast

Pintell – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Ragetti – Scott Summers / Cyclops

**Skinny Idiotic Soldier Dude** – Bobby Drake / Iceman

**Not-So-Skinny Idiotic Soldier Dude** – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Mr. Gibbs – Logan Howlett / Wolveriine

**Pirate Lady** – Rogue

Cotton – Sabertooth

Scarlett – Jean Grey

Giselle – Tabitha Smith / Boom Boom

Lieutenant Gilette – Todd Tolanski / Toad

**The Midget** – Jamie Madrox / Multiple

_The Soldiers_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

_The Cursed Pirates_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

_The Pirates From Tortuga_ – Multiples of Mr. Madrox

"Cool, I'm Mr. Madrox!" Jamie said.

Yeah, I think it sounds cool that way. Either that, or really dorky. I dunno, it all depends on the way you look at it.

The names in **bold** will be replaced by actual names once I look them up (yes, I am incredibly lazy like that). Wait, I just ran a quick search for a PotC script, and if I'm correct, then Murtogg will be played by Bobby, and Mullroy will be played by Sam. And Anamaria is the name of the Pirate Lady. Hehe, what a coincidence. So there you go. I'm just too lazy to go change it right now.

The names (well, groups, actually) in _italics_ will typically be played by Multiples of Mr. Madrox unless an important one with a name pops up (which many most likely will). I will then fill in with the BoM (save Lance, to prevent any Kitty/? Conflict), some of the Acolytes (save Piotr, for the same reason as Lance), the New Recruits, etc, etc, etc.

**(1) **Yeah, that's all slash, and a complete joke that I made up one evening while I was waiting for the bus. If you can't understand any of the pairings, and actually care what they were, let me know.

Oh yeah! I believe someone asked me for the translations for the French swears I typed up in the other chappie. Here they are: _zut_ – **rats**/**damn**; _zut alors_ – **shit**/**crap**; _merde_ – **shit**; _je ne veut pas _– I don't want to, but if you yell it it's **hell no**; _va t'en merde_ – **go shit on yourself**, _chauffeuse_ – **whore**, _chienne_ – **bitch**, _salope_ – **bastard**, _casse-pieds_ – literally, a foot-breaker, **a pain in the ass**, _ta mere_ – **your mom**, _enfer_ – **hell**, _baiseur _– **f#!$er**, _baiseur de mere _– **mother f#!$er**.

So, whaddya think? If you don't like the casting for someone, or I've overlooked a character (as I said before, any Soldiers, Cursed Pirates, or Pirates From Tortuga will be played by multiples of Mr. Madrox, unless an important one pops up), let me know! So I can fix it before I start PotC!

Oh yeah, and I have no clue when PotC will be put up. It could be anywhere from within a week to…within a month. This month is murder-suicide month for me. I have rehearsals every day after school all week (till 9 on Friday), plus 6 hour rehearsals next Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (which I have off cuz it's Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday, but we still have rehearsals that day anyway), rehearsal till 9 next Tuesday, rehearsal till 6 next Wednesday, and then the performances begin next Thursday. I might be able to get a chappie up next Monday, or next next Monday, cuz I have school off those days, but I can't be positive. I'll probably end up doing Mulan 2 after PotC.

Now that I have successfully bored/confused you with my upcoming murder/suicide schedule, I will end with the typical plea: PLEASE REVIEW!


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